Best Years of My Life

Christmas is over, family times were spent playing games, visiting, laughing, bugging, and joking around. 2014 is ending and we are entering into another great year. Going back through our minds its amazing how much one person can go through in the span of 52 weeks. Travelling to new places, people are married, people are born, people are no longer with us. Through out a mere 365 days how is a person supposed to wrap up their lives through out the last year in one simple post.

 

Facebook has these timeline movies, newspaper articles, slideshows, whatever. Some people have been forced to relive one of the worst years of their lives due to these posts, some people are reminded of everything they didn't accomplish, the dreams that didn't happen, the wishes that didn't come true.

 

Some people were so eager to post these posts as their battle ended, they had children, they got married, they beat cancer!

 

But did one little video sum up everything you've felt, the tears you've cried, the joy you've felt, the devastation in your chest? The most liked pictures, were those your favorite times? The most popular post, was that your happiest moments or was filled with heartache and people were sympathetic and offering their condolences and well wishes?

 

My simple little post is reflecting on my year, the lost, the found, the feelings, the successes and the fails to which I own, that are mine and mine alone, for my 2014.

 

We made new friends, I grew my voice a bit more, and lost a few friends in the process. I have decided to not form to be someone I am not, I am strengthening daily. I am not entering 2015 with regret for not having the child I so desperately wanted but I am ending 2014 as my year off from infertility. I have accepted that people can just grow apart even after decades of friendship. I hold no resentment, I hold no hardships, I take things as they come, move forward and move on.

 

I had a lot of fun this year, late night fires, driving the coast with my husband, exploring cape cod with his family, my first baseball game, many football games, had a ton of different smoked meals.... a ton of smoked meals... I swore to much, I drank to much, I had way to much coffee and chocolate but I laughed, a lot. I had a blast, not a care in the world. I tanned, I visited, I laughed, a lot.

 

2014 was maybe one of the best years of my life for no particular reason. There were a few big moments, our nephew, Abel, was born. Pregnancy announcements happened, babies were adopted, engagements happened, Weddings happened, plans were made. We moved into a beautiful new home, we have made future plans. Nothing to big that this post will focus on one thing.

 

2014 was one of the best years of my life because I spent it around people who helped me flourish, who taught me new things. I spent each big moment with my husband by my side encouraging me to follow whatever it was that I wanted to follow at that moment. It was one of the best years of my life because, even though there was drama, pain and problems, I have learnt so much. Even though there were bad times the good times surpassed the bad by far and it was an amazing year.

 

I wont go on to facebook and post a bunch of pictures from the last year, but I will share this post celebrating 2014, and praying 2015 is even better.

 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!

Contagious If Not Careful

Its a strange thing really, how a persons mood can affect your world. How you can be so happy one minute then the tension rises, their mood strikes and your knocked down from your cloud of happiness and down to the sludge of resentment and hatefulness.

 

Moods are contagious if you let them be, unhappiness is like a virus and spreads to those around you.



Everyone's lives prove to be difficult, whether it be the young mom with a couple of children who hasn't had a real sleep in months, who has bags under her eyes or spit up on every piece of clothing she own, a housewife feeling neglected from her husband and bitterness building with each passing day, a family crumbling under the financial weight of this world, struggling to keep on top of the monthly expenses, or the top executive whose company rests on his shoulders and if one thing goes wrong he is the one to blame. Everyone is fighting something. Dealing with horrible stress, and always has one problem constantly nagging at them in the back of their minds. However, it depends on how you react, how you adjust, if you fight of if you let it overtake you. Do you  do things out of spite, miss out on moments you'd love to be a part of based on principal? Or do you let it slide off your shoulders, and look around to turn things positive, give up the fight to dwell in the happy moments.

 

Some people need to sit and stir in their despair. They need to feed the emotions in order to feel alive. They do not realize that they tear everyone around them down but they wonder constantly how it seems people pull away. They think, rethink, overthink to a point that they tear themselves apart and feel even worse about themselves. They refuse to seek help or take advice. they have convinced themselves there is no such thing as happiness for them. They have decided their is no real love, no true love. They don't believe in success for their lives. They are always ready to fight, to fight the battle, not the war, the defense is always up and they spread like wildfire and take down anyone they can. Their bitterness, hatefulness, unhappiness is contagious, contagious if not careful.

 

In times a person can be the happiest person with so much to deal with yet they smile through and know this will not break them. They can be fighting through things and staying positive when they are introduced to a person that is the complete opposite. The old saying opposites attract seems to work in this situation. Happiness is not as contagious as bitterness. It is easier to take away a persons happy mood, exciting times, good moments by introducing your stress, your hardships, your need to display the pain. The problem is not the need to talk, to vent, to cry but rests on the fact that the unhappiness is an everyday occurrence. Something is always wrong, a continuous cycle and a constant circle. The problem rests on the need to feed to emotion of pain instead of fighting for the happiness you could have.

 

Happiness is contagious but only if you don't let the virus of bitterness overtake you. If you are open to the happiness, it will sting your pride, it will hurt your principals, but you will not care, you will realize the battle of your dignity is at war and you learn to pick your battles, you sift through the bullshit to find the reality of what life can be.

 

 

 

 

Terrifying - The Religious Hate of The World Today

Terror has become a main emotion in today's world. From the terrorists acts to the hate crimes to the crimes just made from pure emotion. Terrified is today's answer to the simple question "How are you?".

A young man, a good man, with two loyal dogs and a beautiful son, had a dream to become a soldier. To fight for this country and die if he needs to. A young man, a single father, a happy soul has done just that, died for his country and we are all left shattered.

With broken hearts and unshed tears we stand up strong, but terrified. Terrified that a man standing guard at one of the busiest memorial sights in our nation has been shot, killed, mid day in the open in our capital city, on our soil!

A hate crime, a crime so filled with emotion its difficult to not get sucked in. This world is becoming a hate crime and its so very scary. Terrifying. What are we becoming when the words hate, crime, murder, terrorism, and pain are every day words used as often as hello and goodbye? How are we fighting this? How are we making it a better world?

I have my beliefs and I believe in God, I believe in Heaven, I believe in Hell. I believe in Good and Evil. I'm fighting this internal battle of what to do, how to feel, how to rely on my belief system when I think about not only the shooting taking that young soldiers life, but how the world will react to the shooters family, to his loved ones. I think about how people react to such hate. How we, in the name of God, commit our own hate crimes, our own terrorism, our own form of punishment and feel that it is ok to punish, play God, judge and create our own way of law because it is in Gods name.

I think about situations that scream truth, a  video showing a lover beaten to death in front of his gay lover by hateful believers because that is not Gods way. I think about a family being exiled from their congregation for standing up against the wrong, for preaching the goodness in their God, instead of producing hate that the congregation is pouring out. I think about a young mother being thrown out of her home for questioning the reactions, for wanting to get drunk on proper information instead of blindly believing what she is told.

I think about the "Religious People" of the world today and how they seem to be so far above everyone that they feel there is no hope for God to be strong enough to save the human race so they take it into their own hands. They make their own law and produce hate crimes for those that hate. They judge those that judge, they spit on those who wander, and interrogate those who question.

Its terrifying to think you are not even safe from terror or hate crimes in your religious community, God's people. I'm struggling to reach out to those that hate, that will judge, that will throw their own verdict on your soul if you do something, act some way, say anything that is out of their belief. That challenge them.

I think about the knee jerk reaction to ban a whole race, a whole country, and all its people because of one hate crime. Those close to me have posted, preached, and spoken out against Muslims or even any race, belief, religion, but their own because of this crime and I think, how ignorant, how hateful, how painful, and how sorry I am for those people to just take Gods name, twist it into such a ugly face, and force judgment on a whole race for the actions of the select few.

I believe in my God, my personal relationship with him, and I pray for his people that have taken his name upon their own. I pray for them to realize the error of their ways and I pray, hope, beg for them to try and get the words hate, terror, crime, pain out of the daily words and replenish this world into a happy, blessed, welcoming and non judging world. I pray hard for Gods people to return to their good God, and stop making God to be such a terrifying character.

Terrifying is todays word and that breaks my heart, shatters my world, and kills my hope. It hasn't broken my soul, and I will rebuild. We will rebuild. We will make this place we live in, this earth we live on, these times we hold to be a better, happier, loving place. Terrifying will be a word of the past.

A New Me...

I sit here with the world on my shoulders once again and look back and realize that all that I have gained and all that I have lost. I realize the person I was and who I have become and am realizing my faults, my triumphs, my strengths and my extreme weaknesses.

 

As the fog clears and realizations become clear it is apparent to me what has happened, how people have pushed away, how insecure I have been, and how bitter my life once was and how bitter it is becoming.

 

Different circumstances, realizations, stresses and relationships change a person. I have changed however this does not excuse my behavior of self indulgence and self pity.

 

This is my apology…

 

My apology for letting infertility run my life to a point that I could not see, talk, listen or think anything but infertility. My apology for everyone I have hurt, pushed away, pushed to limits or even used when I could not see clearly enough to realize there is a life out of infertility. My apology for those who wanted so desperately for me to be happy, and tried so hard to get me there, to which I ignored. My apology for taking your happy moments and turning them to be sad for me. My apology for making you scared to share your news, your life, your secrets, your happiness with me.

 

My apology for recent events which again have made me bitter, sad, disappointed and scared. My apology for not being as good of a person as I can be, as good of a friend as you all need me to be, and my apology for not reaching out when I needed and taking the world on myself. My apology for my self indulgence and self pity once again.

 

This is my goal.

 

My goal to realize my weaknesses of feeling I can not lean on others when they lean on me. My goal to be able to put my life on hold for a moment to celebrate, mourn, enjoy, indulge, explore life with you when you need it. My goal to live each day as a new day and to let go of the bitterness, the hurt, the equality or lack there of in life. My goal to be better, which will be my goal for the entirety of my life.

 

So this is a new me… one that will no longer be bitter, hold resentment, scream unfairness, cry at others happiness. This is a new day, a new life, and a new world. This is a new me.

 

Good things come to those who realize what they have

Good things come to those who wait, who work their asses off and who never give up. It seems though, the good thing may not be the thing you were hoping for, dreaming for.

 

The good thing may be something that blossoms out of pain, a flower in the ashes of your life. One day you’ll look around and dry your tears, you’ll see the damage, the silt, the destruction and you’ll find that one piece, that one thing that youll need to hold on to. You’ll sit in the dirt, holding on to that piece of your life and you’ll realize that even though this isn’t what you pictured, this is what you have, and you’re alive.

 

You’re alive!! If that’s all there is to celebrate than that’s a hell of  thing to celebrate. Dry your tears, take the picture frame of your life, with all its shattered glass, its broken pieces, and scratched faces, and find the good thing that came, that’s here. Get up, and realize how amazing your life has actually become.

 

Dreams are sometimes just dreams. Sometimes those dreams never become a reality, and sometimes they do but never in the way you pictured. When you look into your future you picture all these great things but never with the realization that something, somewhere, somehow those things might never happen.

 

The thing with suffering, working hard, and never getting the reward you pictured is you have this reality that maybe, perhaps, those dreams you have, that life you pictured, may never be more than a blissfull dream and a picture perfect…. Well picture.You may suffer, cry, laugh, hurt, be angry for the rest of your life, you may get shot down, hurt, pained over and over again. You don’t have control over some of the circumstances in your life but you do have control of how you handle it.

 

It may seem that everyone around you is getting everything you ever wanted but if you took a look, a deep thoughtful look, into their lives you’d realize that the painting of a life they have is just the background of the suffering they endure. They have fought, have had their dreams smashed, and have compromised, sacrificed, and crawled their way through their life and they may not even realize the good they have…

 

The grass is always greener on the other side yet you never realize that the grass on the other side is only greener because of the view you have… that amazing view from your perspective. Hold on to it. Hold on to you hope, and never ever tell yourself its giving up if you change your goals your dreams because again… dreams sometimes are just dreams… goals sometimes may never be reached.

 

Good things come to those who wait, fight for it, never give up, but realize the good things that are already here, that you already have, and take comfort in the fact that you have earned it, even though its not what you pictured

Living Childfree instead of Childless

My wonderful husband and I threw away the condoms before we got married (little secret) and I was so sporatic with my pills that they couldn’t have even been helping and im sure, if I could get pregnant like other girls, I would have been a pregnant bride. We were so excited to start a family and when we got married we were sure we were going to celebrate our first anniversary changing diapers, sleep deprived and overwhelmed with love for our little one.

Fast forward 5 years….

5 years ago I was counting down the days until my wedding day and eagerly praying my “monthly” wouldn’t come and I had no idea that prayer would continue for the next 5 years (minus the 2 months I was pregnant). I had no idea every month would come with heartbreak, tears and pain.

For the last 5 years my husband and I have been living childless. Parents without children, eagerly reading every sign hoping it’s a sign of pregnancy and this journey would end soon. For 5 years we have seen pregnant bellies, small children, held beautiful newborns, and cried out when we couldn’t have that. For 5 years we have endured so many pregnancy announcements, so much advice both good and bad, and have lived with a hole in our chest.

For 5 years we have lived childless… never did we think we would be living this way for 5 years.

Don’t get me wrong, we have had so much fun in the last 5 years. We spent our first anniversaries away, camping, in vegas. We have taken trips to places we haven’t seen, learnt things we never knew, and watched our beautiful nephews and nieces grow. We have developed so much personality, strength and love for each other and are very much looking forward to the next 50 years…

With every trip, night out, positive ovulation test, treatment, weekend in vegas, we always had hope. ALWAYS. I always thought that the one drunken night, the trip to a city we’ve never seen, a weekend away in vegas, many weekends in canmore, laughter, love and booze is all we needed to finally get pregnant. No matter how much fun we had we always hoped it would turn into pregnancy and a healthy baby.

This month though…. This month is different.

We sat down a few weeks ago and decided to start living childfree. We decided to renovate our kitchen, develop our basement, and have fun. Best part of it all, we have decided to travel and see things we haven't seen... Hopefully next September we will be traveling Europe and making our way to ITALY!!

We are so excited to start seeing cities we've never seen and try to travel the world while we can and we couldn’t be more excited. I haven’t felt this free, this whole, this happy since letting go of the dream to be a parent and start living our lives with eachother just as us.

We have always been envious of couples with kids, expecting kids, and the life we thought we wanted that we stopped to realize we can live a very fulfilling, very happy, very fun life together, living child less.

This is the first month in almost 5 years that I am very ok with not being pregnant, happy that im not pregnant even. Im so in love with my husband, our life and so excited for a future.

Now please, please, don’t say “Now watch you’ll get pregnant” because if I do, it will be a blessing but as for the hope, its not there. The hope for a very fulfilling future is, no matter what comes of it. If we travel the world and have a wonderful life where our only babies are fur babies that's awesome!! If I get pregnant or we do decide to adopt in a few years then great for now... We are living child free!!

What Happens Now??

It’s taken me a long time to write this one out… what to do? What to do?... what do you do when everything you’ve worked towards, built towards, wished upon and prayed about isn’t coming and you’re faced with the idea of giving it up?

 

You have had the same thought for years now… 5 years to be exact… every eyelash, shooting star, 11:11 wish is all the same. Every prayer has it hidden in there as a request… every breakdown is begging God for the wish to come true… everyone you know knows your struggle, your wish and your desire…. And the fact that it’s not coming true…

 

What do you do when you decide to give it up? Where do you turn your thoughts too? What do you think about? Do you get lost in a book? Do you plan a trip? How do you not feel lost and pained knowing you’re giving your dream up?

 

When two people enter into a serious relationship the question “when are you getting married?” gets asked a lot…. When they get engaged “when’s the date?”. When they get married “How’s married life?” a year into marriage people ask them “So…. Are kids in the near future?”

 

What happens when that couple decides it’s time to build a family… they try and try for kids… weeks turn into months, months into years, and suddenly after 5 years your thoughts are consumed with baby everything. What happens when the kids that are so desperately wanted never come? What happens when they decide that before they move on to the expensive options, such as in-vitro fertilization or adoption they need a couple year break.

 

What happens when everyone looks at you so sad when you tell them “We are going to enjoy our childfree lifestyle for a couple of years… regroup and maybe try for kids when we are 30”?

 

How do you move on from everything it seems you’ve ever wanted. How do you walk away from your dream and hold your head up high. How do you get excited for anything else when you’re faced with the fact that the last time you had a dream, a goal, a wish it never came true?

 

What happens now that the dream is over for now?… What happens now that I don’t have this to hold on to?... What happens now?

Mother's Day

Sunday should have been my first Mother’s Day. I should have the cutest little girl crawling around and exploring her surroundings the way 8 month old babies do. Instead I sit here with empty arms, an empty womb and a broken heart.

 

Although I have healed and accepted my situtation and this ever lasting journey I still cant help but shed a tear for the dreams we had, the dreams that died, and the baby that was called to heaven before we got to see her little face.

 

I run a page on Facebook called “The Dream of Being Called Mommy and Daddy” along with three of the most amazing women I have ever come across. One of our supporters posted this poem on the page and was reposted and forwarded to me by Hannah. I read it at work, against her advice, and now have tear streaks running down my cheeks and watery tired eyes for the loss that I endured and the beautiful little girl of mine that is in heaven. It’s a good cry though…

 

Happy Mother’s Day to you all, for the moms with babies in heaven and the mom’s with babies on earth. We are all Mothers.

 I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know that you're the best mom!"

Keep Breathing... in and out...

In the face of tragedy you fight or flight, which is basic human nature. What do you do in the moment that if you fight, you hurt the one you love the most, if you flight, you hurt yourself the most.

Basic human instinct may be the worst option in times of horrific grief. Sometimes it’s extremely crippling to do what you instinctively want to do… so you just breathe… in and out… in and out… keep reminding yourself to just keep breathing because as long as your breathing you’re alive and that is the most precious gift. Even when life feels like a punishment, you know, life is a gift.

During these times you think of the others that have gone before you. The grandparents that lived their whole lives long enough to see you succeed into the beautiful person you are, the relatives that were taken to suddenly and the friends that caused the sharp pain of the short life they led. You think about the young ones that left as teenagers, children, babies. The ones that never got to even take a breath, or be held by their parents, you think about the grief and you remind yourself… keep breathing… in and out… in and out…

Keep breathing for those that can no longer breathe. Keep breathing for your life is worth living, keep thinking about your future, keep thinking long term, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep breathing…. In and out… in and out… Keep going…

This crippling fear of what is next will soon be a memory… this is the beginning of a beautiful love story… the story that is your life… Just keep breathing… in and out… in and out…

 

The Power of Simple Emotion

Sometimes life puts things into perspective so clearly that its almost confusing. When all you’ve ever wanted in life seems to be everything you don’t need where do you turn? Sometimes everything you’ve ever wanted is sitting right there on a pedestal waiting for you to grab it, grasp it, cling to it, yet you cant. Tears run down your cheek knowingly screaming out as they fall down to the ground that you can’t have it. You no longer need it. You have to give up on the dream of it. Accept reality, love fearlessly and protect yourself endlessly. Fuck the world and all its broken promises, empty dreams, shattered lives.

When the one thing you live for isn’t living at all then what do you do? The dreams dead and reality sinks in as you look up at that pedestal and realize it’s not a pedestal at all. It’s a dead tree rotting away with cockroaches and spiders and horns yet you still search. You try to grasp the concept its dead while you endlessly look for your hope that dwindled, the gold that’s rusted and flaked away when your life seems to change in an instant. In a second. You’re driving off a cliff trying to take control and your spiraling down and you cry. Your one single tear sums it up in one single second and you realize for the first time in your life that reality is not a dream. Reality is your life and you roll with the punches until you’re left bleeding, dying, laughing at yourself and your hopeless dreams. You’re a mess, a mess of chaos. It’s beautiful, and it’s painful, when you realize for the first time that it’s in your power to accept it, change it, make your own reality.

Your dreams are no longer valid and it kills you because you notice you’ve changed tremendously and that everything you have ever worked for, longed for, cared for, no longer phases you. You take a step back and tremble with emotion as you try to hold on to a little piece of the old you. You gain the acceptance of your reality and you no longer seem to care. Not a tiny shred of an ounce do you seem to care. You start to look at the world through a haze of numbness when you realize that the old you, the one with the hope, the gold, the dreams, is dead. It died and took you with it.

You give up and start living, living day to day, minute to minute, when you finally start to feel yourself being happy, you remind yourself of your dream, not knowing you just wrecked everything you’ve worked for by living each moment. So in the end you give up, laughing at yourself, spitting on your dreams, crying your dry tears that no longer form, and you still search. You search for your hope that you’ve lost.

Your hope that never goes away really, but you’ve lost yourself in your waves of emotion and you feel yourself being pulled out of the fire by that hope. That hope grasps you, takes your hand, changes your life, your dreams, your reality. You realize that even though you died, you became numb, you changed, it was all part of a plan. The plan to make you who you are today. You smile your beautiful smile as you cry tears of relief knowing you’ll be ok. You’ve changed, but you have your hope, and you have faith that it will all be ok… It will all be better than ok.

The Art of Communication is a lost Art

Why is it that when we hurt, we take it out on the ones we love. The funny thing is, they say we take it out on the ones we love best, however, if that were true then the art of communication in a relationship would be dead. I believe we take it out on the ones we love, that we seem to blame, at least partially, our pain on.

For instance, if you are in a relationship and a relative or a friend seems to be threatening that relationship, you take it out on your relative or friend, instead of communicating your pain and trying to solve the issue. Instead you go into simple bliss “you and me against the world” and fight side by side a fight that should have never happened if the art of communication went through every angle.

If you were to just sit down and talk to the person causing the problem there would not be near as much stress, pain or heart ache caused. But we fight, that’s our first instinct is to fight. Not communicate, we fight. Most times, if you are causing pain in a relationship, you wouldn’t even know it.

You never know you’re doing wrong until told so, so you keep doing what you’re doing, unknowingly causing your loved ones to pull away and eventually push you to break free of the friendship or relationship that you thought would never die.

I guess my thinking is if you have a problem deal with the problem when it arises and squash it before it becomes too much to deal with that the only option is to end it and move on.

The other day I was told that the fact that they can go months without talking to me, and pick up right where we left off like no time had passed, was causing issues in their romantic relationship. “Lots of complications” he told me. First and foremost, the myth that girls and guys can’t be friends. Funny thing is, my best friends have always been guys. I’m happily married and would never, and could never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with the man that saved my life. My soul mate. Yet I’m a girl, with a weird sense of humor, and can pick right back where I left off, no matter how much time has passed in my other relationships, or friendships if you will, and that is causing problems for him. Funny thing is, he’s taking it out on me, blatantly ignoring me, instead of talking to me, the art of communication is lost. I don’t believe the problem lies within his girlfriend at all but within him. What the problem is? Well we would need the art of communication for that. A lost art.

Another situation, a girl told me the other day, all she wants to do is hang out with her boyfriend, like all I want to do is hang out with my husband. Yes my husband is my whole world, however, I am my own person, and I still need my own thoughts, friends, interests. As does my husband.

With that said, you don’t get me without my husband, if you cant accept him you don’t get me. If you cant accept me you don’t get him. Which is why it kills me that the friend mentioned above is going to cut me out of his life, because hes been my husbands best friend for 13 years. “Lots of complications” is what im told. Where as all I can see is my best friend is struggling to balance is friends with his relationship, with no reason but his own, and instead of talking to us he is pushing us out to the point that we break the relationship.

Half Moon Run sings a song perfectly for this: Here are the lyrics.

I just wanted
To absolve it
To make peace with
All those weekends
We all just give up
Yeah we all stand down
With a lesson learned
With our eyes half shut
No confusion
It’s been obvious
Hallelujah
I’ve been saved by no one again
And again
But we all just give up
Yeah we all stand down
With a lesson learned
With our eyes half shut

The art of communication, is a lost art. We all just give up

It may not be lifetime...

Its been a long time since I posted because my heart has not changed… I am so over infertility, it only took 5 years to stop caring about the challenges of infertility but im there. I have stopped caring about who got pregnant, and my opinion on the matter, im so over fake pregnancy announcements for april fools, and im totally over people walking on egg shells around me.

 

I have turned a corner..

 

Now to something that has been on my mind..

 

I’ve been suffering a lot with thoughts on friendships and relationships. A good friend of mine saw me at my worst the other day when I was forced to say goodbye to someone extremely dear to me. He did not die, he just realized that in order to achieve happiness in his life he had to say goodbye to me, not because of his feelings for me or anything, just because of complications that he may or may not have to deal with in order to keep me as close as he was. This amongst other relationships opening my eyes to see that not everyone is who they say they are, and people can change…

 

So this makes me wonder… is any friendship lifetime? If so what makes a lifelong friend? I’ve been told that I’m extremely special if you take the time to get to know me and if I drop my guard. So do you need to drop your guard right away or do you give your whole heart to everyone only to eventually get it hurt? Does it take a great sense of humor? Someone to laugh with? Someone to party with and joke with?

 

I believe that friendship doesn’t die, it changes, or people change. I don’t believe you should exit out of someone’s life just because they have been too good of a friend, so good that they bow out when you make it clear that your friendship is causing problems in your other relationships. If there is nothing more than friendship in the relationship causing issues, then you need to fight for it, you need to make your feelings extremely clear to EVERYONE that your feelings are nothing more than friends, all though friends (real friends) is a close intimate bond, it should not be broken because someone has judged, assumed, or accused it of being more.

 

I believe friendship is based on truth, no judgment, and support. If someone does something you don’t agree with, it is your job to be there, to support, to help through. They screwed up, they know it, it’s not up to you to make sure they pay hard for whatever they’ve done..

 

Truth… whoa, what a topic.

 

Truth… truth can change from person to person… however my truth has opened my eyes to people I thought would never fail me. My truth has broken my trust and built my walls up higher than they’ve ever been. My truth has been shattered a lot over the last year but my trust has not broken me… Its amazing what words can do to a person. It can be something as simple as all of a sudden changing how you act towards someone, whether it be for the good or the bad, can raise suspicion, and can cause relationships to end. You say you’re a good friend, yet you wish harm on people, you say you’re a good friend, yet you lie about others to people. You say you’re always there, yet you ask people to keep secrets for you. Secrets that could do no harm, unless kept as a secret. If you feel you need to control a situation, and defend everyone, voice your opinion even if it has nothing to do with you, and blame it on your belief of what is right or what is wrong, then you are not a true friend. Someone who considers themselves a good friend, just speaks truth, knows exactly who they are, and will not change, form, lie, play games, in order to cause strife, or control a situation.

 

What makes a true friend… well this is what I have learnt… be there, but not to close, don’t give up, but don’t expect them to not give up. Don’t control but don’t allow yourself to be controlled. Step back when you know you are pushing the envelope, cry when you want to cry, but sometimes keep those tears to yourself. Be truthful, but expect others to not be the same way.

 

There are a few people that are, and will be, exceptions to this rule, but that may not always be the case.

 

It’s Relieving When Contentment Sinks In

I guess the title says it all. I posted a status update on Facebook the other day saying how I have let the bitterness go about infertility.

When we started trying to get pregnant we didn’t expect the journey we were about to embark on. Infertility has been the hardest journey I could ever imagine and I pray it is the hardest journey I ever have to face. With that said, I would walk this journey an infinite amount of time as long as Graham were walking with me.

I have seen so many couples torn apart by infertility. Couples who seemed to be so happy and so in love, torn apart because of the blame, the guilt, the childless life, the fights, the struggle and the endless heartbreak. I have seen so many happy times ruined because of infertility and I refuse to let this happen to me.

I believe infertility, and God, strengthened my marriage to be unbreakable. There have been so many tears, so much heartbreak, but I am so happy because of my husband, my relationship and my faith in my creator.

I have always said I wish this pain on no-one yet it still hurt, and broke me into pieces, when others would get pregnant. I have had to pull over on the side of the road after a phone call announcement. I have fallen to the ground in tears after reading an e-announcement. I have screamed at God about my pain, I have blamed him, I have thrown things, punched things, and became severely depressed for a few months over my inability to conceive, and hold, a child.

I am so incredibly relieved and happy to say that because of God, because of Graham and because of the power of prayer I am finally in a place where I am content in my life. I will not let infertility run my life any longer. I WILL NOT LET INFERTILITY TAKE CONTROL!!!!!

I have been quite happy in my life as it is with my best friend, my love, and the one who knows me best as my husband. My strong family and their endless support, my amazing friends that randomly drop little gifts at my door, call me to see how I’m doing, or send me little notes to let me know that I’m loved. I am so incredibly blessed in my life and for that I thank God.

I am finally content. I am more than content. I am finally happy.

This does not mean that I have lost hope, it does mean that I am content if I never carry my own child.

We will not live a childless life, well I don’t think. God may have other plans but until then we will start adoption proceedings and we will hopefully have a child of our own, regardless of who gave birth to him/her. It’s all in God’s plan though.

Until then, in this moment, I am relieved, I am content, I am so incredibly happy. I am so excited for my upcoming adventures, future journeys, and my amazing future that is laying at my feet.

It is so relieving when you let go of the anger.