Keep Breathing... in and out...

In the face of tragedy you fight or flight, which is basic human nature. What do you do in the moment that if you fight, you hurt the one you love the most, if you flight, you hurt yourself the most.

Basic human instinct may be the worst option in times of horrific grief. Sometimes it’s extremely crippling to do what you instinctively want to do… so you just breathe… in and out… in and out… keep reminding yourself to just keep breathing because as long as your breathing you’re alive and that is the most precious gift. Even when life feels like a punishment, you know, life is a gift.

During these times you think of the others that have gone before you. The grandparents that lived their whole lives long enough to see you succeed into the beautiful person you are, the relatives that were taken to suddenly and the friends that caused the sharp pain of the short life they led. You think about the young ones that left as teenagers, children, babies. The ones that never got to even take a breath, or be held by their parents, you think about the grief and you remind yourself… keep breathing… in and out… in and out…

Keep breathing for those that can no longer breathe. Keep breathing for your life is worth living, keep thinking about your future, keep thinking long term, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep breathing…. In and out… in and out… Keep going…

This crippling fear of what is next will soon be a memory… this is the beginning of a beautiful love story… the story that is your life… Just keep breathing… in and out… in and out…

 

The Power of Simple Emotion

Sometimes life puts things into perspective so clearly that its almost confusing. When all you’ve ever wanted in life seems to be everything you don’t need where do you turn? Sometimes everything you’ve ever wanted is sitting right there on a pedestal waiting for you to grab it, grasp it, cling to it, yet you cant. Tears run down your cheek knowingly screaming out as they fall down to the ground that you can’t have it. You no longer need it. You have to give up on the dream of it. Accept reality, love fearlessly and protect yourself endlessly. Fuck the world and all its broken promises, empty dreams, shattered lives.

When the one thing you live for isn’t living at all then what do you do? The dreams dead and reality sinks in as you look up at that pedestal and realize it’s not a pedestal at all. It’s a dead tree rotting away with cockroaches and spiders and horns yet you still search. You try to grasp the concept its dead while you endlessly look for your hope that dwindled, the gold that’s rusted and flaked away when your life seems to change in an instant. In a second. You’re driving off a cliff trying to take control and your spiraling down and you cry. Your one single tear sums it up in one single second and you realize for the first time in your life that reality is not a dream. Reality is your life and you roll with the punches until you’re left bleeding, dying, laughing at yourself and your hopeless dreams. You’re a mess, a mess of chaos. It’s beautiful, and it’s painful, when you realize for the first time that it’s in your power to accept it, change it, make your own reality.

Your dreams are no longer valid and it kills you because you notice you’ve changed tremendously and that everything you have ever worked for, longed for, cared for, no longer phases you. You take a step back and tremble with emotion as you try to hold on to a little piece of the old you. You gain the acceptance of your reality and you no longer seem to care. Not a tiny shred of an ounce do you seem to care. You start to look at the world through a haze of numbness when you realize that the old you, the one with the hope, the gold, the dreams, is dead. It died and took you with it.

You give up and start living, living day to day, minute to minute, when you finally start to feel yourself being happy, you remind yourself of your dream, not knowing you just wrecked everything you’ve worked for by living each moment. So in the end you give up, laughing at yourself, spitting on your dreams, crying your dry tears that no longer form, and you still search. You search for your hope that you’ve lost.

Your hope that never goes away really, but you’ve lost yourself in your waves of emotion and you feel yourself being pulled out of the fire by that hope. That hope grasps you, takes your hand, changes your life, your dreams, your reality. You realize that even though you died, you became numb, you changed, it was all part of a plan. The plan to make you who you are today. You smile your beautiful smile as you cry tears of relief knowing you’ll be ok. You’ve changed, but you have your hope, and you have faith that it will all be ok… It will all be better than ok.

The Art of Communication is a lost Art

Why is it that when we hurt, we take it out on the ones we love. The funny thing is, they say we take it out on the ones we love best, however, if that were true then the art of communication in a relationship would be dead. I believe we take it out on the ones we love, that we seem to blame, at least partially, our pain on.

For instance, if you are in a relationship and a relative or a friend seems to be threatening that relationship, you take it out on your relative or friend, instead of communicating your pain and trying to solve the issue. Instead you go into simple bliss “you and me against the world” and fight side by side a fight that should have never happened if the art of communication went through every angle.

If you were to just sit down and talk to the person causing the problem there would not be near as much stress, pain or heart ache caused. But we fight, that’s our first instinct is to fight. Not communicate, we fight. Most times, if you are causing pain in a relationship, you wouldn’t even know it.

You never know you’re doing wrong until told so, so you keep doing what you’re doing, unknowingly causing your loved ones to pull away and eventually push you to break free of the friendship or relationship that you thought would never die.

I guess my thinking is if you have a problem deal with the problem when it arises and squash it before it becomes too much to deal with that the only option is to end it and move on.

The other day I was told that the fact that they can go months without talking to me, and pick up right where we left off like no time had passed, was causing issues in their romantic relationship. “Lots of complications” he told me. First and foremost, the myth that girls and guys can’t be friends. Funny thing is, my best friends have always been guys. I’m happily married and would never, and could never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with the man that saved my life. My soul mate. Yet I’m a girl, with a weird sense of humor, and can pick right back where I left off, no matter how much time has passed in my other relationships, or friendships if you will, and that is causing problems for him. Funny thing is, he’s taking it out on me, blatantly ignoring me, instead of talking to me, the art of communication is lost. I don’t believe the problem lies within his girlfriend at all but within him. What the problem is? Well we would need the art of communication for that. A lost art.

Another situation, a girl told me the other day, all she wants to do is hang out with her boyfriend, like all I want to do is hang out with my husband. Yes my husband is my whole world, however, I am my own person, and I still need my own thoughts, friends, interests. As does my husband.

With that said, you don’t get me without my husband, if you cant accept him you don’t get me. If you cant accept me you don’t get him. Which is why it kills me that the friend mentioned above is going to cut me out of his life, because hes been my husbands best friend for 13 years. “Lots of complications” is what im told. Where as all I can see is my best friend is struggling to balance is friends with his relationship, with no reason but his own, and instead of talking to us he is pushing us out to the point that we break the relationship.

Half Moon Run sings a song perfectly for this: Here are the lyrics.

I just wanted
To absolve it
To make peace with
All those weekends
We all just give up
Yeah we all stand down
With a lesson learned
With our eyes half shut
No confusion
It’s been obvious
Hallelujah
I’ve been saved by no one again
And again
But we all just give up
Yeah we all stand down
With a lesson learned
With our eyes half shut

The art of communication, is a lost art. We all just give up

It may not be lifetime...

Its been a long time since I posted because my heart has not changed… I am so over infertility, it only took 5 years to stop caring about the challenges of infertility but im there. I have stopped caring about who got pregnant, and my opinion on the matter, im so over fake pregnancy announcements for april fools, and im totally over people walking on egg shells around me.

 

I have turned a corner..

 

Now to something that has been on my mind..

 

I’ve been suffering a lot with thoughts on friendships and relationships. A good friend of mine saw me at my worst the other day when I was forced to say goodbye to someone extremely dear to me. He did not die, he just realized that in order to achieve happiness in his life he had to say goodbye to me, not because of his feelings for me or anything, just because of complications that he may or may not have to deal with in order to keep me as close as he was. This amongst other relationships opening my eyes to see that not everyone is who they say they are, and people can change…

 

So this makes me wonder… is any friendship lifetime? If so what makes a lifelong friend? I’ve been told that I’m extremely special if you take the time to get to know me and if I drop my guard. So do you need to drop your guard right away or do you give your whole heart to everyone only to eventually get it hurt? Does it take a great sense of humor? Someone to laugh with? Someone to party with and joke with?

 

I believe that friendship doesn’t die, it changes, or people change. I don’t believe you should exit out of someone’s life just because they have been too good of a friend, so good that they bow out when you make it clear that your friendship is causing problems in your other relationships. If there is nothing more than friendship in the relationship causing issues, then you need to fight for it, you need to make your feelings extremely clear to EVERYONE that your feelings are nothing more than friends, all though friends (real friends) is a close intimate bond, it should not be broken because someone has judged, assumed, or accused it of being more.

 

I believe friendship is based on truth, no judgment, and support. If someone does something you don’t agree with, it is your job to be there, to support, to help through. They screwed up, they know it, it’s not up to you to make sure they pay hard for whatever they’ve done..

 

Truth… whoa, what a topic.

 

Truth… truth can change from person to person… however my truth has opened my eyes to people I thought would never fail me. My truth has broken my trust and built my walls up higher than they’ve ever been. My truth has been shattered a lot over the last year but my trust has not broken me… Its amazing what words can do to a person. It can be something as simple as all of a sudden changing how you act towards someone, whether it be for the good or the bad, can raise suspicion, and can cause relationships to end. You say you’re a good friend, yet you wish harm on people, you say you’re a good friend, yet you lie about others to people. You say you’re always there, yet you ask people to keep secrets for you. Secrets that could do no harm, unless kept as a secret. If you feel you need to control a situation, and defend everyone, voice your opinion even if it has nothing to do with you, and blame it on your belief of what is right or what is wrong, then you are not a true friend. Someone who considers themselves a good friend, just speaks truth, knows exactly who they are, and will not change, form, lie, play games, in order to cause strife, or control a situation.

 

What makes a true friend… well this is what I have learnt… be there, but not to close, don’t give up, but don’t expect them to not give up. Don’t control but don’t allow yourself to be controlled. Step back when you know you are pushing the envelope, cry when you want to cry, but sometimes keep those tears to yourself. Be truthful, but expect others to not be the same way.

 

There are a few people that are, and will be, exceptions to this rule, but that may not always be the case.