Sorry I haven't been around... I have been having a very hard time these past few weeks...
It seems that if its not one heartbreak its another...
I guess I will go in order... A very close friend of mine was in an accident and is now wheelchair bound.. they are amazing people (my friend and their significant other) and definitely did not deserve this... I feel so helpless to them and wish that I could give up some of my freedom so they can have more... I pray every day for them to have small victories and have enough small victories to make a full recovery...
I had my very first fertility treatment... also probably one of my last... I think I have one more in me but that is about it... I had a horrible and rare reaction to the treatment that the doctor hasn't even seen this type of reaction before... They dont know why, they dont know whats wrong, they dont know if it will happen again, but they'd like to try... I think that I will have one more treatment in me but after that I think I am just done... Then try adoption... My hubby is on the same page as me and this has been an extreme emotional rollercoaster that I feel like there are more downs then ups and more loops then straight rides... I am so lost as to why this is happening to us and am having such a hard time with it.
Another close friend of mine told me her great news of being pregnant, she hasnt posted it or anything so I will not say her name, nor will I say where she lives, if she's married, or anything else... creep my facebook all you want but you wont figure out who it is... You all know about my journey and it kills me because she felt that she couldnt tell me her news because of my journey... First of all.. I would never wish this pain on anyone at all... EVER... I dont know why God chose us for this but I do know that he wouldnt have chosen us if we werent going to be strong enough to handle it... sometimes though I feel that I am not strong enough, he knows better.... However, I never wanted to become a person that my friends can't come to or are scared to be happy around... I cant help what journey I am currently on but I can help others with their struggles or celebrate in their happiness... Please to whoever is reading this... I am here for you... I AM HERE FOR YOU ALL!!! No matter what is going with me I am here for you!!!!
I dont know what to think right now... I dont know who I am angry at... God... myself... the situation... the world... the fact that this journey has changed me to a person that I never thought I would be... I wish I could go back... and not let this change me... I wish I was back to the person that I was before... I just dont know what to do...
In the end..... Lifes a bitch...
