Life's a B*tch...

Sorry I haven't been around... I have been having a very hard time these past few weeks...

It seems that if its not one heartbreak its another...

I guess I will go in order... A very close friend of mine was in an accident and is now wheelchair bound.. they are amazing people (my friend and their significant other) and definitely did not deserve this... I feel so helpless to them and wish that I could give up some of my freedom so they can have more... I pray every day for them to have small victories and have enough small victories to make a full recovery...

I had my very first fertility treatment... also probably one of my last... I think I have one more in me but that is about it... I had a horrible and rare reaction to the treatment that the doctor hasn't even seen this type of reaction before... They dont know why, they dont know whats wrong, they dont know if it will happen again, but they'd like to try... I think that I will have one more treatment in me but after that I think I am just done... Then try adoption... My hubby is on the same page as me and this has been an extreme emotional rollercoaster that I feel like there are more downs then ups and more loops then straight rides... I am so lost as to why this is happening to us and am having such a hard time with it.

Another close friend of mine told me her great news of being pregnant, she hasnt posted it or anything so I will not say her name, nor will I say where she lives, if she's married, or anything else... creep my facebook all you want but you wont figure out who it is... You all know about my journey and it kills me because she felt that she couldnt tell me her news because of my journey... First of all.. I would never wish this pain on anyone at all... EVER... I dont know why God chose us for this but I do know that he wouldnt have chosen us if we werent going to be strong enough to handle it... sometimes though I feel that I am not strong enough, he knows better.... However, I never wanted to become a person that my friends can't come to or are scared to be happy around... I cant help what journey I am currently on but I can help others with their struggles or celebrate in their happiness... Please to whoever is reading this... I am here for you... I AM HERE FOR YOU ALL!!! No matter what is going  with me I am here for you!!!!

I dont know what to think right now... I dont know who I am angry at... God... myself... the situation... the world... the fact that this journey has changed me to a person that I never thought I would be... I wish I could go back... and not let this change me... I wish I was back to the person that I was before... I just dont know what to do...

In the end..... Lifes a bitch...

Been a while…

It seems life has caught the best of me these days. I have been so incredibly busy that I have had no time to post so this is more of an update than anything.

I have a bit of new exciting things happening in my life. First of all, you all know about Graham and I and our infertility journey, but what you don’t know is this journey has led me to one of the most amazing friends I could have asked for. She knows exactly what I’m going through, what I’m feeling and is struggling with the same challenges I am. I met her because while browsing around on Pinterest I found an infertility prayer. I clicked the board it was pinned to and was brought to Lindsays Pinterest page. I saw she had a link on facebook called “The Dream of being called Mommy and Daddy.” I immediately clicked like as I was so excited to talk to people who knew what was going on with me other than my husband.

After many many long facebook chats and whats app chats with Lindsay we have grown extremely close and it seems strange, given I have never met her, but she is quite quickly becoming one of my closest friends. (Don’t worry Carla she wont ever take your place!).

So a couple of weeks ago I get a random message from Lindsay asking if I would be alright with becoming part of her page. I immediately jumped at the chance and am now Admin on the facebook page “The Dream of Being Called Mommy and Daddy”. I designed a tattoo for Lindsay and she loved it so much she is asking me to make a logo for the page as well. I am still in the designing stage on that one. I think I might have a few and let the people of the page decide which one to use… Still not quite sure.

My photography has picked up a bit too so I am so excited for that. I have been getting a few calls for different things to shoot. I have such a passion for Photography and art that it amazes me that people are willing to pay me to do things that I love doing. Now I just need to focus on getting some more marketing out there and maybe even a website up and running as well!!

As for my personal life, Graham and I have hit a snag in the infertility thing. It feels like every step forward is another two steps back. We were supposed to start treatments last month and they sent me for some more blood work beforehand. I had already taken all my fertility drugs for that month and had paid to set up the treatment. I got a call the day after blood work and was told that I am not Rubella immune so I could not do the treatments but rather I had to go get another shot. Once I got the shot I had to avoid all pregnancy for the month. To me when something like this happens its devastating every time because everyone around me is pregnant or has had babies recently. Don’t get me wrong I love all the new babies in my family and my friends that are married and have been trying and I am so happy for them. I will even love all the unplanned pregnancy babies because I just love children. However, I do think things like, why is my little cousin more eligible to have a child than me? Why is my friend more eligible than me? Did I miss some line up or procrastinated going to an event of some sort that has forced me onto this path? Is it Karma? What did I do to deserve this?

So now I start again on the pills hoping that this time next week I am at the clinic getting a treatment and crossing my fingers and toes during my 2 week wait and sending 1000 prayers out a day… and hopefully it will be a long time before I get my monthly again… If I get it next month then I am, again, going to be devastated I’m sure…. Oh what a life I live.

As promised.... Things Not to Say

Happy Friday everyone!

Today’s post is being shared and I hope people feel free to use this and share this as they see fit.

I am not sure how many of you that are reading this are going through infertility and how many of you have told people that you are struggling with it.

It took me a long time to start telling people what is going on but after 3 years I grew tired of the ridiculous comments and reasons as to why people think that I cant seem to get pregnant.

I know I am not the first person to compose this list but I feel like I have had to read two or three lists to even get close to all the comments so here goes:

“Things NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility – in no particular order”

How do you know you can’t have kids?

The same way you knew you could have kids. We all have been trying for well over a year (3 years for us) and have not had one positive test.  You know how you decided to start trying for a baby and it took you a whole 3 months to conceive but you eventually had conceived? Well try not conceiving and that’s how you know.

What is WRONG with you?

There is no one person that tears us down more than ourselves. We look at ourselves in the mirror and tell ourselves to stop being broken… that’s our pep talk to ourselves.. stop being broken. The last thing we need is for you to point out the fact that we are broken because we have just spent the last length amount of time trying to convince ourselves that we are in fact not broken.

Maybe it’s him?

Although you think that if its not the woman then it must be the man, that is just not the case. There is such a thing as unexplained infertility. That is where it is not her fault and its not his fault nor is it both of their faults… its just the way the cards were dealt. Rest assured our doctors have tested both of us and we are both just fine.

Maybe its just not in God’s plan right now.

Unless God has come to you and told you directly what his plan is for me, please leave his planning up to him and the wondering up to me. I have had many many conversations and heartfelt prayers with God during this journey and him and I are already on an understanding. He knows my heart and I know he will not leave me to be miserable and heartbroken every month and he will bless me. I do not need anyone to tell me otherwise.

Everything happens for a reason.

Let me get this straight… have you never wondered “why me” about anything? Ever? Or have you ever felt heartbroken ever?? Is your life really that perfect? Probably not right? So let me ask you would you ever want someone shrugging your pain off with “happened for a reason”? You have no idea how much this hurts nor will you ever if you have children. Please do not shrug this off as if its nothing. Where would you be without your children?

You're so lucky. I just have to walk around naked to get pregnant.
Well thank you for letting me know that your super power is you're super awesome is thinking pregnancy and having it happen... but could you please explain to me how being infertile is lucky??? Are you really that ignorant that you think this is Lucky?!? Wake up!!

At least you know you can get pregnant. In regards to miscarriages.

Explain to me… How is losing a child that took you so long to conceive any less painful then not conceiving at all? Is there really a bright side to know you have one or two children in heaven waiting for you then there is to know that you have never conceived??

I completely know how you feel. It took us like 8 months to conceive… It was so hard.

No you don’t know how it feels… You may have had your heart broken for the 7 months before you conceived every time AF came along but you have no idea how it feels to hear “you need a specialist”, “you need surgery”, “you need pills”, “you need treatment”, “you need more tests”, “you need more treatments”…. And still deal with the sting of AF showing up every month… or never see that second line appear on the pregnancy tests..

At least you have an answer as to why? Some couples have no idea!
Although I am part of one of those couples that has no idea why I do understand that being infertile hurts and is extremely painful with or without an answer.

It’s because you’re so negative. If you just relax I bet it will happen! or Go on a Trip! It’ll happen then!

I’m sorry but when did you become a specialist in unexplained interfility?? Let me tell you something. When I started this journey I was extremely excited to be a mom. Then the months went by and I thought maybe I was to stressed so I started doing yoga and reading and finding activities to both keep my mind off of it and to relax me. I was in a really great place internally. We went on trips, we tried different things, we went on weekend get aways, the whole nine yards. Then the years went by and that is where I started to get negative…. The infertility caused the negative attitude not the other way around.

Why don’t you adopt?? My cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend adopted and got pregnant the next month!

Although I am happy for your cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend the statistics of that are extremely low and it really is a 1 in a million shot. That is not suggested at the fertility clinics as a fertility treatment for a reason, because for those of us who aren’t your cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend, that just wont happen. It is not a form of conception and I don’t believe that a person should just adopt for the hope of creating a child of your own. Adoption is a very long drawn out route. It is extremely hard to wait the 3-7 years for a child… for your phone to ring… it makes you second guess every decision you have ever had to make and can turn the couple against eachother… Adoption is not for every one and there is no majic trick behind it that can get you pregnant…. Although adoption is not off the table for us… I think you should adopt because you will love that baby and be a parent to that baby and that baby WILL be your own even though it doesn’t have your DNA.

You’re still young.

Thank you for making me feel like I am very young and immature and have no idea about what I think I want… Now let me tell you something. Infertility knows no age… I am right in the middle of what is supposed to be, my most fertile time. I do not have a child yet, not for lack of trying. I am young you’re right but I have also had years to want this.. to pray for this.. to fear this. I know I am young but again you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why don’t you do IVF?

Do you know how expensive treatments are? Did you know that IVF is the most expensive one and is the most mood changing, painful, hard to handle type of treatment? Did you know that in order to get to the IVF stage we have probably already spent our life savings in other treatments to avoid spending the $13,000+ each cycle?? Like adoption you just cant JUST DO IVF… it’s something that you build up to.. that you try everything else first.

But treatments are so unnatural.

Yes I agree… but obviously the natural way is not working…. And just cause it worked for you doesn’t mean that what I am doing is wrong.

You’re going to have a test-tube baby?!?!?

My child will not be a freakin science experiment… but thank you….. I see you had a drunken, one night stand, bastard child…. But did I ask you if that’s the kind of baby you’re having when you announced your pregnancy even though your relationship status says “it’s complicated”? No I said “do you know what you’re having? How far along are you?” or even if you got pregnant and were trying did I point out everything that could have been better in your marriage or in your life when you announced your pregnancy? No I said “IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!” cause I truly was…. And in no way will my child be any less a child than yours is just because it was conceived in a clinic and not at home in my bed or car or couch or wherever.

I am sure that I will think of more things to add to this list but this is just a start. Please try to keep these things in mind when talking to me about this. Some things that might be good to say is “I have no idea what you’re going through but I can try to understand and I am here to talk if you want”. Or “I’m praying for you” or “I know God has an amazing plan for you. Don’t lose faith” or even… “lets go for a drink” sometimes we just need to get away from everything and go meet someone for a drink and cry over nothing and laugh til it hurts… we’re still human even if we are struggling we still love girls nights and obviously we arent pregnant so a glass of wine and a chick flick is always appreciated too. Remember who we were before all of this and why you love us... 

3 years of wedded "bliss"

Three years ago today I woke up super early and eager… I nudged my best friend, and on that day, Matron of Honor, who was sleeping next to me to make sure she was awake and went down stairs to the main floor of my parents house to start making coffee… A few minutes went by and the door bell rang and I was ushered to sit in a chair for the next 4 hours while every strand of my hair was transformed into perfection…   Once the hair and the make – up was all done I went up stairs to my parents bedroom where my mom helped me into the most beautiful gown I have ever worn…. She tied my corset back up with tears in her eyes and love in her heart…   My parents drove me to the beautiful Grace Presbyterian Church in Calgary and I slipped in through the back door with my very best friend, beautiful sisters and amazing parents in tow.. After the music started and my nieces and nephew gracefully walked down the aisle my sisters to follow and Carla behind them my dad took my hand in his and said through tears and a voice that was cracking up how proud he was of me..   We walked down the aisle and the preacher asked “Who gives this woman to be married to this man” and my dad tightened his grip on my hand and said “her mother and I do.”   There I was standing between the two strongest, most amazing men I have ever met as they shook hands and the love of my life whisked me to the front of the church to say our “I do’s”.   After many beautiful pictures, speeches and pieces of advice and many tears laughter and a very amazing party we started the rest of our lives together.   Since that day I have grown more and more in love with him everytime he looks at me… or calls me.. or texts me.. I never thought I could love him more than I did on our wedding day and now I look back and think.. I could never love him more than I do right now…   Our wedding song says “and I thought I loved you then….” And it speaks every inch of truth on my behalf…   These last three years have brought us good times and bad. We have lived apart, moved twice, bought a house, and have loved eachother even when we have hated eachother.   One thing that we have had to overcome and are still struggling with is one thing most couples will never have to face and that is our infertility. I know that it has only been 3 years but if there is one piece of advice I could give anyone it is learn to fight with each other not against each other. We still struggle to this day and even today, on our 3 year anniversary had some bad news but we are still fighting with eachother and we refuse to accept the fact that we are infertile… that is simply not an answer for us.   Babe, if you are reading this. I love you with all my heart and just like we sang on our wedding day “We’ve come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then” You’re my everything babe and I would be very very lost without you.   Always yours, Ocean Eyes, Always.  

Almost 3 years.....

Ok so I know that I said that most of my blogging would be about infertility but today is going to be a bit different...

3 years ago today I was at work thinking "4 more days..." 4 more days until I married my best friend in the whole world. The man who has pushed me and challenged me and has made me who I am today...

I was so eager and excited to get married but so anxious and nervous about being a part of the family I was about to join. Would I fit in? Would the family who hasn't met me like me? Do they think I am good enough for him?

Through these last 3 years Graham and I have been through hell and back and I am just so so so happy to be married to such a strong, gorgeous, challenging, courageous, loving, sweet, and confident man!

I may not be a big church goer... I don't have a prayer group or a bible study... I am not perfect nor do I act like I am... I'm loud and I am outspoken and I can get emotional... I believe that god still loves me for who I am and has a special plan for me... Even though I don't understand... I don't have to understand I have to just trust him... like I did when I met Graham... he designed a man that was so perfectly fit for me... he made this man for me... but he needed to prepare me to meet him... and now I feel that god is working on the most gorgeous perfect child for us but has used this infertility journey to strengthen our marriage and make us even more in love with each other after everyday.. these last three years have been tough... very tough... but I wouldn't change a thing... I wouldn't take back one emotional break down... I wouldn't take back one heart break... because it has made me so strong and made my husband so strong and has made us completely unbreakable!!

Anyway... I am going to sign off and have a wonderful weekend to celebrate 3 years of wedding "bliss" with my amazing husband!!!

Here goes nothing...

Alright so I don't blog, or at least I didn't, until now. I have a lot of emotion and feelings and crap to get out and I'm not sure how... Those of you who know me know that I prefer to be like one of the boys and sit down and watch a flames game or go trash talk players at a stamps game. I like to be around my girls too don't get me wrong but there a very select few that I actually open up to and talk to about what's currently going on with me.. First and foremost if you don't like what I have to say on here.. Well tough shit.. Close the page.. This is my blog and I will be my outspoken blunt self.. Feel free to delete me on Facebook unfollow me on here whatever.. So most of you know (cause I really couldn't care anymore who knows) Graham (hubby) and I can't have babies... Well the natural way anyway. Most of my blogging will be about this... We are currently paying doctors big bucks to poke and prod at us through an insane amount of tests.. Most of you can get pregnant by looking at each other, or walking around naked, I'm aware... Which gives me an idea about my next post of shit to not say to an infertile couple.. Fertility treatments cost a lot of money and can wear a couple fairly thin so please be conscious of what you say to me after reading this.. I'm getting pregnancy announcements almost on a daily basis!! Great for you but come on!! You tried for what? 1.5 months and oh look at that you're 6 weeks (1.5 months) do you honestly think I want to hear that all you had to do was have a flicker of a thought when I'm peeing on ovulation sticks and shoving pillows under my hips and popping clomid like its going out of style even though I turn into one moody bitch while I'm on it (how can you tell I'm on it now?) I'm just getting really confused lately about how the world works.. Girls that are way to young and with trash for men are having the most beautiful babies while other girls who are married, own homes, have great jobs, and big empty arms tearful eyes and a heart that breaks every time that time of the month come can't get pregnant or loose their babies!! I'm not sure what to say life sucks.. Then you die... In the meantime I just wish that God would bless me with a little miracle that calls me mom.. And stop making pregnancy announcements happen on a daily basis.. Ok that's enough for today.. Sorry for the rant.. I promise I'm not always this unpleasant..