September.

September.

The month of new beginnings, of change.

The month a lot of us look forward too.

September.

Little ones are putting on their new shoes for their first day of their new grade.

Stay at home moms are going back to work now that their babies are grown and off to school.

The leaves are changing, the pumpkin spice is out, the air is crisp.

Fall is here. Everyone's excited.

September.

The month of reflection, memory and heartbreak.

The month we lost the glue in our family.

The month our baby was supposed to be born.

The month we feel such loss, such pain, such heart ache.

The month we force ourselves to smile.

September.

The month my husband and I look at our daughter and think "She should have an older sibling. Our Abby should be starting school this year" and then "We will never get this again. Each stage she goes through is the only time we will get to see that stage in our children" and finally "I wish Nanny was here to watch her grow".

September.

The month my infertility stabs my heart so so much as I see the Back to School photos and baby announcements.

September.

The month we said goodbye to the amazing woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend, Jo-Anne.

September 11.

The day we had a small gathering to pay our respects, to say good-bye for a final time.

The day almost 3,000 people lost their lives.

September.

The month to mourn all those lost in that horrible attack.

September.

The End of a Struggle, The Start of a Life

How great is my God that he gives me peace in such times of trouble. How great is my God that I asked for solidity and compliance in my heart and my thoughts and he made it happen in one day. That he erased all other thoughts, fears and judgments and allowed me to think, feel and follow him properly.

Infertility has been a part of our married lives since the moment we said "I Do".

Realistically it has probably been there for longer than that, we just didn't know it.

For almost 9 years we have lived our lives with this label attached and as often as we tried to bury it, like a vampire or a zombie, it dug itself out of its grave at the most inconvenient times, reminding us that we are failures.

For those who will quickly jump up and say "You are not failures". This we know. However, in times like that, where it seems God is quiet (he's not) and the enemy is loud (SO LOUD!) its hard to remember the truth, but rather believe the lies.

After our appointment earlier this month, after a lot of praying, a lot of crying, a lot of feeling and so much advice we have come to a decision, and feel at peace with it.

We are a family of three.

We are "One and Done".

We are so happy with our lives and finally, FINALLY, after almost 9 years, I'm ripping that label of infertility off my jacket. Actually I'm throwing the whole jacket out and getting a new one. We both are.

We are proud parents to our beautiful little daughter and wouldn't change a thing. We are no longer Infertile. We are parents.

Its so good to be free.

Now to get a puppy.

Answers... Finally...

"Why aren't you getting pregnant?"

"You're text book perfect!"

"Superman" "Thin, Young, Healthy"

Just a few phrases used over the 9 years of unexplained infertility. A few phrases spouted out to us in frustration and exasperation by specialists who are supposed to find the answer to the ever ending question.... Why?

Why? Why do we struggle so hard when it seems so easy for everyone else. Why do we never get a positive pregnancy test, what is wrong with me? With him? Why?

For 9 years we've been married. For 9 years we tried for babies. For 9 years we wondered. Why?

Unexplained Infertility. A label that stuck to us like a Scarlett A. Today however, all though that letter remains, it is much smaller, not so visible but much more painful that not knowing.

"It would almost be easier to just know why" is what we told ourselves for years but now that I know, I don't want to know.

There is nothing that can be done to change it. No diet to reverse it, no bad habit to quit, no increase in exercise will reverse time, will make my body work the way it is supposed too.

So I sit here in tears cursing my useless eggs and praying for a miracle.

Answers.... Finally... But relief was not granted.

All the feels...

After several years of infertility, well really anything hard to deal with in life that is consistent... a person learns to either live with it or let it control their life.

For me, personally, I have learnt to live with it. After a period of time I became numb to the emotions. Baby announcements no longer cripple me, I don't cry at the drop of a hat (or at a negative test) and baby showers are easier to attend. I can even enjoy myself and not fake it til I make it any longer.

The feeling is just always there though, the thought, the knowledge, that it doesn't happen for me, for us. Its a sad reality but its our reality and we live it.

We knew it when we started trying again and nothing happened. Before the tests, the doctors, the appointments, the poking and the prodding, we knew. Its just something that you feel I think. The hope was lost almost immediately and we just knew it wouldn't happen for us the natural way.

Everyone and their cousin knows someone who knows someone that "did IVF and just got pregnant naturally without even trying for their second". Its like everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows something that adopted and BAM pregnant. We, however, are not those people, unfortunately.

I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not even disappointed... I'm Angry! SO SO ANGRY! How come we cant just "get pregnant" when so far the tests keep coming back normal? I'm angry that I now have to go sit... and wait... for blood work. I have to wait for an appointment for a special x-ray that may or may not be this month and may or may not result in surgery. I'm angry that I have to get another ultrasound to see if I even have eggs left, if I can even get pregnant again. I am angry that people can have babies and before their babies can even crawl they have more babies. I am angry that people I know and love dearly are going through the same freaking thing I am and its just not fair.

ITS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!

I hate infertility. Its such a strong word, hate. People really use it way to often and out of context but this... this I hate. I am so incredibly passionate about it. I try to help as many people through this journey as possible and the passion drives me.

Some days I feel so incredibly alone... I run a page on facebook about infertility. I run it with 5 other AMAZING women. Some of whom have been blessed with children and others who are fighting hard for their miracle. I am the one in both categories. I was blessed, through the gift of science and the faith of god, with our beautiful daughter but desperately longing to make her a big sister. Feeling incredibly guilty for wanting more, or even thinking of posting on my page about secondary infertility as I have been attacked in the past for this. The same women that helped me through our molar pregnancy, through the loss of our second embryo after it had attacked then couldn't hold on after seven weeks, the same women that were so happy for me that IVF worked for us after 6.5 years of failed treatments and cycles. Those women attacking me for even thinking of having another and having to go down the same road as we did for Amelia.

Amelia. Our angel, who deserves to have a sibling. Our beautiful miracle who would be such an amazing big sister. Who has no idea what she's missing out on when it comes to siblings. Holding her last night though, as she asked for a baby, and no doll would suffice, hurt me deeply, knowing there was no baby in my tummy. There are no brothers or sisters in her near future. No babies in ours and I'm angry.