TRANSFER DAY!! IVF in all its Glory!!

We did it! We finally took the plunge and made the big decision... IVF or adoption... And we chose IVF!

Today was transfer day and I'm currently sitting on my couch in my pjs (at 2 pm) with my fur babies and my hand protectively sitting on my belly where 2 little embryos are resting comfortably!!

First things first... There's a grieving process to realize that you can't conceive. Your body is failing at doing the one thing it is built to do, get pregnant. After almost 6 long years we finally gave up on the hope of conceiving naturally, sought help and did what we had to do!

First is the testing... Before you even get offered treatment you feel as if everyone and their mother has seen your who-ha and you don't even care if it ends up on YouTube or Facebook. You've lost all dignity. 

The results are in they're looking good and you're waiting for the call to get offered treatment. A couple months go by and when it feels like they've forgotten you paid the few hundred to get on that list, they call!!

You pay your thousands, go get your meds and your timeline and are overwhelmed at the number of syringes and vials and the underwhelmed at the small bottle of pills... You quickly realize that you are a freaking pro at administering needles and after a couple days they take you no time at all!!

Then the monitoring sessions. The first one our doctor looked at me and apologized.. "We're not comfortable with the amount of follicles are stimulating... There's just not enough. We'd like to give you two more days but you only have 2 follicles that may work. We might have to terminate the IVF and do insemination instead". Heart drops, tears flow, breath catches. The doctor and nurse frantically look for Kleenex as the comment "$10,000 and you can't give me Kleenex?" Flys in their direction. 

I went to work and then home in a daze all the while praying hard, I called my family and they prayed hard. 

Second session: I went in again and found out just how awesome God is and all of a sudden I have just enough follicles!! The nurse knows me and explains the risks but says something I'll be forever grateful for "IVF is great but God is better"! 

Third session: The next day I have even more follicles and despite the nurse saying I may not have anything to freeze the day before retrieval day comes and they take 5 eggs! 5 EGGS!! From 2 follicles to 5 eggs!! 

The clinic calls the next day and says that 4 fertilized and all of a sudden we have four little babies sitting in a dish at the clinic! They call every day to tell us how they're doing and before we knew it we were holding hands outside the clinic praying that he's with us as we walk in...

We walk in and see the two cutest bunches of cells ever... We watch everything as they suck up our little babies into a catheter and transfer them to my uterus! They give us a couple minutes and we pray again for God to protect those babies and my body and that this is his plan..

You wish you could savor the moment but crap you have to pee!! Time ticks on and you're craving a toilet, bucket, whatever!!

You finally go pee, get dressed and look around the clinic as you put a hand on that belly and think "I hope I never have to come back here"

2 little embryos... 2 little babies and 2 people that can not wait to take a test to confirm that our dreams are going to come true. We are finally going to be called Mommy and Daddy!

Change...

Anticipating change can be a dangerous thing. A person can crave it knowing its coming, fear it being so close and welcome it when it arrives. These feelings are confusing and make us feel like we have no control.

Change is inevitable however sometimes it doesn't come fast enough.

It could be a stay at home mother, whose husband works out of town and the little ones are growing quickly and she's feeling stuck. She wants another baby but her husband doesn't, her age wont allow her or she's developed a disease that has made conceiving nearly impossible. She feels she has no right to complain about infertility with her two little ones in her arms yet feels the pain of the day to day, the routine, and the every lasting knowing that this is her life now. She knows what her friend is going through when she tells her that she's getting divorced but she cant say anything because her husband hasn't left her yet. She's waiting for the day he realizes she's a failure but hope that day never comes. She is overwhelmed with love for her babies but this life, this world, this pain isn't what she imagined. She's craving change but cant see it coming to greet her any time soon.

There's the single girl whose life is put together. She has an amazing career, a beautiful home, an amazing roommate and so many friends. She has built herself up from heartbreak and horror and has figured out who she is, what she wants and has been working and changing herself to be happy. She's been hurt so many times that she wants to find love, to find someone to share her future with, but she's scared. She's terrified to give it her all to get nothing in return. She's hoping for the change, the one to be her perfect match but she's terrified of it. She's so scared of change that it paralyzes her when she wants to move... she's urging her body and mind and heart to move... but her fear is paralyzing her to the ground in a stone like state... She's begging for the change but is over run by fear of it.

There's the young couple, who got married and started trying for a family right away... years went by and they tried everything they could... they craved that baby... they did treatments, drugs, vacations, and fell into a routine of falling in love, seeing the world, but craving that family. The time has finally come where they are in a state to get their dreams and they are ready, they are anxious, they cant sit still they're so excited... the change cant come fast enough. There are risks, there are doubts and there may be heart break but they can stand it!! They are so welcoming to this change that since its so close they feel their in a rut!! They are so used to going on vacation whenever they want and they are so close to their treatment that they cant wait but are itching to get away, itching for a change. Their days are dragging and their nights are restless. Their legs want travel and their hearts want that baby. They know their change is coming but cant wait for it to get here.

Change... its paralyzing, exciting, amazing and horrible. It can make your world or break it down. It can heal you, help you or slowly kill you.

Change.