My Dearest Abigail...

Happy Wednesday Everyone!!

“Each Friend Represents A World In Us, A world Possible Not Born Until They Arrive” – Anais Nin.

I am not going to go into the semantics of what has happened or what has come around but this loss of my child had changed my life dramatically. First off child hood friend of 20 years? She’s back in my life, thank god. Really Thank God. He has opened my eyes to so very much and made me realize my actions as she has realized hers. We have been able to talk like adults with the strength the lord has given us and we are mending things and working on our relationship. Reasons that will go unsaid here were spoken and steps have been taken to make sure that those reasons don’t “pop” up again. My whole world, friends and all, have been turned upside down, backward and spun on its side. It’s been a whirlwind. Each friend represents a world in us… some worlds are deeper than others, some are supportive, some are just there…. I have had the pleasure of having this all laid out clear as day on the table through the hardest times.

As always, I miss our little girl, but I got a call from the doctors assistant that my levels are back to normal and there will be no need for Chemo. Praising God for not only letting the healing time be extremely fast but also sparing me from chemo. Thank you. We still see the doctor on Monday to get the “official” word but we should be able to start trying for another child very soon. Praying this time it won’t take 3.5 years to conceive and that God provides us with another child soon.

I wrote a letter, something I have been working on for weeks, to my little girl and I don’t know what to do with it so I thought I would share it here for you all to read..

My Dearest Abigail,

My heart aches every time I think of you, so my heart aches every second of every minute of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t miss you and not a prayer of mine is whispered that isn’t for you. You are so beautiful and so lucky to be in the arms of Jesus and I thank God that you do not have to suffer the pain of this world, that your heart will never be broken, that you will never be hurt.

The day that we found out that you were going to join our lives was the best day ever for your Dad and I. We were so happy and cried tears of joy for hours all the while thanking God for you. You made our world complete and our little family was about to grow. We told your aunts, uncles and grandparents that we were expecting you and your cousins were very excited to be getting another cousin. I had my silent moments, as you know, to pray my prayers of thanks for you and I held my little belly as often as I could so I could feel closer to you.

The day you left my womb and went to go spend forever with Jesus was the hardest day of my life. We were, and still are, so heart broken and couldn’t understand it. We know that you are watching us and you are surrounded by family. I like to think that since you left us so close to the time that your Great Grandfather left us that you went running up to him in heaven and that he knew exactly who you were. I don’t know what to do baby girl, I miss you so much. I pray that God gives us another baby soon and that we don’t have to wait the wait we waited for you again. No one could ever replace you Angel but we are missing you so much.

I am thanking God for using the loss of you in so many ways for the better. He has re-united us with people who have left our lives and has shown us the truth in so many others. He has been working on us sweetheart, and we have to thank you, and your death, for that. I wish we didn’t have to endure such a heart breaking moment to see the truth and the light but God uses any moment he can to show us himself. Look at your daddy for instance, he is such a strong man but still is relying on God to help him through this horrible time.

This isn’t a goodbye letter, I could never say goodbye to you, but this is my one and only letter. It’s time to start the healing emotionally as it has healed physically. I miss you so much and I will never forget you but I need to start to try to be happy again.

I will forever be your mommy, as you will forever be the one in our hearts.

I love you unconditionally

Love always,

Mom.

Fork in the Road

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you just take a look back and decide its time to change some things? Time to work on yourself and your future?

It’s like a switch is flipped and all of a sudden you find yourself bored and distancing away from the people that once meant the most to you and you find yourself looking at your life, and your problems, and your situation and you decide you’ve had enough and now is the time for you.

That’s where I am at. I have had the most AMAZING support system these last months and I will forever cherish those people that reached out and helped me through my worst times and rest assured those people will always be in my life and can count on me for the love and support that they have shown me as well.

Those times, however, have made me realize that life is about so much more than who said what to who, why and when. Those times are so much more than being there for someone when you know they wont be there for you. Anyway some changes are in the works… BIG changes… and I refuse to let my past control my future. I am working on me now and fixing myself emotionally, spiritually and in the end physically. Those of you who know me, really know me, know that I will always need you and count on you for support as I will always be there for you and support you but there are some people that have helped form me to become who I am and to get to this point but our time is finished. I will always care for you, cherish what we had, but its time to move one.

Its time for me.