From overwhelming happiness to never ending grief...

From tears of happiness and overwhelming joy to wretched sobs and never ending grief in a matter of moments.

Its fascinating how life can changed from one instance to the next. One second everything is in perfect working order and "everyone is set" then the world falls apart in a split second, a dust particle in time but changes the form of a future for everyone involved.

Words are spoken, feelings are felt and people are left behind. Smiles become rare, laughter unfathomable and joy is not remembered. Sorrow takes place and tears are the new memory. Every happy moment has a little bit of devastation and every sad moment is nothing in comparison.

An angel is watching us and God is holding us but our minds are controlling us. Taking us to dark places, to unimaginable pain, to selfish sorrows. We start to feel personally attacked, this was done to hurt us. We question everything. Relationships, friendships, lovers and life. Everything feels different.

A person never knows how much they truly impact lives until they are suddenly ripped away. The love surrounding one being is overwhelmingly strong and suddenly it doesn't know where to go, where to pour its unending support.

You grieve, you grieve for your loss, you grieve for your regrets and you grieve for your future. You're feeling as if you've been robbed. You've been robbed of your happy moments, your big moments, your life as it will never be the same.

You grieve for your child that will never know that amazing soul, you grieve for your spouse and pray they will one day be ok. You grieve for yourself, selfish moments, stolen memories, and future hopes of that loss.

You grieve for those times you pictured in the future. Those times you could see that person holding your child crying tears of joy as she looks upon your child's face. You miss memories that haven't happened and you're angry because they never will. You're filled with rage at the situation, that one moment, that dust particle in time.

Its astounding how a split second can change your whole world, your future and your family.

From overwhelming happiness to never ending grief...

Hope after Hopeless

I can feel you move inside me, kicking your little toes, stretching your little body and playing around as you grow.

I can feel the hope within me that I will see your gorgeous face, this gift of life that's given by God and all his grace.

I wont soon forget I struggled all the pain and all the fear. The hopes and dreams were broken when we weren't sure our time was near.

I would pray and I would listen but the answer seemed so far. I would cry and I would crumble when this life would seem so hard.

We would try and we would try, with my legs above my head, but through the counting, the trying the pain the dreams all seemed but dead.

We sought help of doctors, acupuncture, herbs and more but the more we tried the harder the fall when it crumbled to the floor.

After so much prayer and devotion, and time spent away from it all, we decided to try once more praying to God "It's all your call".

We thought we'd maybe adopt, from the system with so many kids. But very quickly realized this plan of ours wasn't his.

We thought we'd adopt private and have a baby to call our own, but delay and fears made us realize this wasn't the road to be sewn.

We spent more time discussing, praying and begging clues, when we looked at each other hopeless and said "what have we got to loose?"

We decided to give it to God, the finances, stress and hope.  He supplied the money, the peace and special ways to help us cope.

We did the fundraising, the needles, the drugs and went along with all the steps. We said a little prayer, and left it in his hands to rest.

The prayer that surrounded us was overwhelming to say the least, but through the support, the love, the prayer, we saw the little heart beat.

I'll never forget the struggle, the guilt is very real, guilt for or leaving those struggling as we enter to this tale.

Infertility has taught us lessons, gave us life, and so much worth. It built strength, gave us pain and blessed us more than cursed.

So I sit here feeling the baby stretch and play within my womb. I rub my tummy and tell it stories of the things we overcame.

To get to this place we're at now, 20 weeks over and 20 to go. We are planning to find what you are, a little bub or little babe, little boy or little girl.

To the angel babies in heaven and the ones that are in our arms, know that you are loved, so very much so very far.

To those of you still struggling, please don't think I'll forget. I'll always know the struggle and am here to cry and vent.

We will always be understanding, supporting and sensitive and always be available for what advice that we can give.

Worries and Fears - 12 weeks

After a long wait, a hard loss and so much heartbreak it is hard to let go of all worry, fear and pain when everything you've been dreaming for is finally coming true. You are happy but you wait, you wait for that day you wake up and feel nothing... you wait for the bad news... you wait for your world to crash around you because that is what you are used too.

To walk into that appointment hand in hand with my husband I was trying to put on a brave face, an excited face but I was trembling inside. Scared out of my wits that they would put that monitor on my belly and have a straight face and inform us that they need to get the doctor and there is no heartbeat... this was my fear...

Sometimes I need to understand, or be reminded rather, that God is much bigger than my fears... as soon as we got that monitor on my belly that baby moved... and moved and moved... and she/he waved to us as we watched her/him move in my belly. The tech zoomed in and showed us that little heartbeat, counted the fingers, showed us its cute little feet and how it crossed its ankles to get comfortable... She showed us her/his little bladder and how it was as full as mine and when I was able to use the washroom baby stretched out, finally happy to be having the room it needs to move around.

Words can not describe the feeling that I am having right now as I sit here and relive the moment. It amazing how in that moment, that second I saw our little girl/boy move all of my worries just disappeared and I was overwhelmed with love for our unborn, but beautiful miracle from God.

I have been accused of not being as happy as I should be, I have been terrified this would not be as it was, and although, given our past, I had reason to be scared, I had nothing to worry about. God's got this.

The Results and the Dreaded Two Week Wait (2WW)

The dreaded two week wait...

Day 1: The day after transfer. Wake up feeling hopeful, happy and ready. We both rubbed my little belly and said good morning to our little embabies and told them to stay tucked inside and hold on for dear life. Prayer, prayer, smiles and more prayer.

Day 2: Sleep... need sleep... the cramps are exhausting my legs are on fire. Can't exercise but need to move...

Day 4: This has been the longest two weeks of my life so far and it hasn't even been a week since transfer day. Got a call from the clinic that our other two embryos hadn't grown since day two of egg retrieval so they had nothing to freeze. I feel loss... even though they were just balls of cells I feel like we just lost 2 babies... holding on to hope for these two little ones inside of me. Praying they both stick and I get to see them both grow inside of me and be raised by me.

Day 7: Doubt has me getting up in the middle of the night checking for signs that this IVF has failed. All of the physical signs are pointing to me being pregnant but my mind is saying that I could not be and that these are just symptoms of the drugs. One more week to wait until we can know for sure. Praying very very hard.

Day 11: Wondering if I should take an HPT... Every blog I read, every post I read, every article says that the result of an HPT as at today should be accurate. My fear is if its negative... all that money, time, emotion, energy just flushed down the drain... its not even the money honestly.. who cares...we can always try again.. I have just been praying so hard and I feel like this is it so now I'm scared because my hopes are high... I tried to protect myself but everyone keeps telling me how excited they are for me, how they just know this is going to work... my guard is down and my hopes are up... PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!

Day 12: IM PREGNANT!!!!!!! I peed on a stick and it turned positive right away.... I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!

Day 14: One more sleep until Blood Work, 2 more sleeps until my pregnancy is confirmed and we go to our regular doctor. I am going to go to go buy baby stuff today haha. Just enough stuff to do our announcement... we're so freaking excited to start telling the world!! We have decided to announce to our families starting tomorrow or Saturday. I am having a hell of a time keeping this to myself!!

Day 15: Turns out this brewing up a baby thing is exhausting... I ended up going home and relaxing all night. Since I have my blood work to confirm the pregnancy after work I have decided to go get the stuff for the announcement tonight, we will probably even print the pictures tonight too to give to my family tomorrow. Its been hard to not tell people. My mom called me this morning to see how I am feeling and I just felt like responding "IM PREGNANT".  I didn't though....

Day 16 - 18: The announcement turned out amazing... my dogs are such good sports!! We told our friends and families and everyone is very excited for us!!

Now time to wait for the first ultrasound and enjoy this pregnancy and start preparing for baby!!

TRANSFER DAY!! IVF in all its Glory!!

We did it! We finally took the plunge and made the big decision... IVF or adoption... And we chose IVF!

Today was transfer day and I'm currently sitting on my couch in my pjs (at 2 pm) with my fur babies and my hand protectively sitting on my belly where 2 little embryos are resting comfortably!!

First things first... There's a grieving process to realize that you can't conceive. Your body is failing at doing the one thing it is built to do, get pregnant. After almost 6 long years we finally gave up on the hope of conceiving naturally, sought help and did what we had to do!

First is the testing... Before you even get offered treatment you feel as if everyone and their mother has seen your who-ha and you don't even care if it ends up on YouTube or Facebook. You've lost all dignity. 

The results are in they're looking good and you're waiting for the call to get offered treatment. A couple months go by and when it feels like they've forgotten you paid the few hundred to get on that list, they call!!

You pay your thousands, go get your meds and your timeline and are overwhelmed at the number of syringes and vials and the underwhelmed at the small bottle of pills... You quickly realize that you are a freaking pro at administering needles and after a couple days they take you no time at all!!

Then the monitoring sessions. The first one our doctor looked at me and apologized.. "We're not comfortable with the amount of follicles are stimulating... There's just not enough. We'd like to give you two more days but you only have 2 follicles that may work. We might have to terminate the IVF and do insemination instead". Heart drops, tears flow, breath catches. The doctor and nurse frantically look for Kleenex as the comment "$10,000 and you can't give me Kleenex?" Flys in their direction. 

I went to work and then home in a daze all the while praying hard, I called my family and they prayed hard. 

Second session: I went in again and found out just how awesome God is and all of a sudden I have just enough follicles!! The nurse knows me and explains the risks but says something I'll be forever grateful for "IVF is great but God is better"! 

Third session: The next day I have even more follicles and despite the nurse saying I may not have anything to freeze the day before retrieval day comes and they take 5 eggs! 5 EGGS!! From 2 follicles to 5 eggs!! 

The clinic calls the next day and says that 4 fertilized and all of a sudden we have four little babies sitting in a dish at the clinic! They call every day to tell us how they're doing and before we knew it we were holding hands outside the clinic praying that he's with us as we walk in...

We walk in and see the two cutest bunches of cells ever... We watch everything as they suck up our little babies into a catheter and transfer them to my uterus! They give us a couple minutes and we pray again for God to protect those babies and my body and that this is his plan..

You wish you could savor the moment but crap you have to pee!! Time ticks on and you're craving a toilet, bucket, whatever!!

You finally go pee, get dressed and look around the clinic as you put a hand on that belly and think "I hope I never have to come back here"

2 little embryos... 2 little babies and 2 people that can not wait to take a test to confirm that our dreams are going to come true. We are finally going to be called Mommy and Daddy!

Change...

Anticipating change can be a dangerous thing. A person can crave it knowing its coming, fear it being so close and welcome it when it arrives. These feelings are confusing and make us feel like we have no control.

Change is inevitable however sometimes it doesn't come fast enough.

It could be a stay at home mother, whose husband works out of town and the little ones are growing quickly and she's feeling stuck. She wants another baby but her husband doesn't, her age wont allow her or she's developed a disease that has made conceiving nearly impossible. She feels she has no right to complain about infertility with her two little ones in her arms yet feels the pain of the day to day, the routine, and the every lasting knowing that this is her life now. She knows what her friend is going through when she tells her that she's getting divorced but she cant say anything because her husband hasn't left her yet. She's waiting for the day he realizes she's a failure but hope that day never comes. She is overwhelmed with love for her babies but this life, this world, this pain isn't what she imagined. She's craving change but cant see it coming to greet her any time soon.

There's the single girl whose life is put together. She has an amazing career, a beautiful home, an amazing roommate and so many friends. She has built herself up from heartbreak and horror and has figured out who she is, what she wants and has been working and changing herself to be happy. She's been hurt so many times that she wants to find love, to find someone to share her future with, but she's scared. She's terrified to give it her all to get nothing in return. She's hoping for the change, the one to be her perfect match but she's terrified of it. She's so scared of change that it paralyzes her when she wants to move... she's urging her body and mind and heart to move... but her fear is paralyzing her to the ground in a stone like state... She's begging for the change but is over run by fear of it.

There's the young couple, who got married and started trying for a family right away... years went by and they tried everything they could... they craved that baby... they did treatments, drugs, vacations, and fell into a routine of falling in love, seeing the world, but craving that family. The time has finally come where they are in a state to get their dreams and they are ready, they are anxious, they cant sit still they're so excited... the change cant come fast enough. There are risks, there are doubts and there may be heart break but they can stand it!! They are so welcoming to this change that since its so close they feel their in a rut!! They are so used to going on vacation whenever they want and they are so close to their treatment that they cant wait but are itching to get away, itching for a change. Their days are dragging and their nights are restless. Their legs want travel and their hearts want that baby. They know their change is coming but cant wait for it to get here.

Change... its paralyzing, exciting, amazing and horrible. It can make your world or break it down. It can heal you, help you or slowly kill you.

Change.

Journey

Our journey so far…

Its been a while since I updated and looking through my blogs, man we have changed our mind a lot… From adoption, to travelling, to breaking, to adoption, to IVF its been a long journey and one that God has been in control of.

We have been trying for almost 6 years now. A few months shy of 6 years. In that time people have had baby #1, #2 and in some cases #3. We have been through every emotion imaginable. We have watched as people have announced pregnancies that were un-planned, planned to save a marriage, planned to start a family, and pregnancies that were terminated. We have crumbled to the floor in tears for lost babies, we have jumped for joy for those who have gotten pregnant. We have rejoiced in our gift from our God and wept when that gift flew away before we could meet it.

We have lost friends, gained friends, realized the definition of friendship and had to say good bye to those we thought would always be around.

We have questioned, pled, begged, cried and bargained with God and we are finally finally at a decision, and have stuck by it, planned for it, and started the process.

We let go of the hope of conceiving on our own but our God hasn’t let us let go of the hope of holding our own child in my womb. He hasn’t let go of the dream to feel it kick, or watch my belly grow. He has not let us let go of the hope of becoming a family.

Every time we decided to start the adoption proceedings something would get in the way. Looking back now, that something was fear and knowledge that this wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right for both of us. It was scary, scary as hell. We couldn’t imagine falling in love with a child that could be taken away from us. Public adoption just hasn’t felt right for us. We don’t think adoption, private or public, is wrong in anyway, and it may not even be wrong for us in the future but right now, here in this moment, what we’re doing, is right.

We didn’t hesitate, we didn’t blink, we didn’t let fear overwhelm us. We started the proceedings for IVF. We paid the registration fee, we booked our testing appointments, we booked our follow up and started the race. We have endured the poking and prodding of the doctors. The needles, the x-rays, the uncomfortable examination rooms, the vitamins, the meetings the conferences… its just coming together … no its not… its not a fluke… this is supposed to happen… its in the plan!!

We’re so excited to start our family.

For the first time since that first doctors appointment after we hit the year of trying, I feel at peace. Im just relaxed and ready...

Will post again when more information comes to us!

Proud to be Loud

You think calling me crass, rude, outspoken is a bad thing. That just means your paying attention. Thing is, sometimes a person spends their whole life chasing the definition of themselves, constantly forming, changing and morphing into someone they feel they need to be. People tell them what they should and shouldn’t talk about, how they should feel, what they should do and how they should do it and it all plays into the forming of the person you’re trying to find.

It takes a strong individual to stand up to your loved ones, to your family to your friends and announce who you are, to not back down and to shrug off the advice to be quiet, to be calmer, to not talk about certain subjects. It takes being blunt to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and not favour everyone else’s opinion or schedule. This strength, this individuality, this bluntness will push away those you thought were close, and will bring in those you thought you couldn’t stand.

Its crazy how the world works. A movie comes out about a different type of love, a different type of sex and the whole religious community is up in arms because its not the typical sex scen that a movie portrays, therefore it is a wrong type of sex and we should not be involving ourselves into it. Yet every movie with any type of love story is wrong then. Just because a girl isn’t tied up and blindfolded, on her own choice, and the sex is slow and passionate, doesn’t mean its not a sex scene.

Its insane that people who are to accept everyone and love the way jesus loves can point and laugh, judge, and mock those with a different sexuality, with tattoos, with a voice that is so powerful its intimidating… So much for love like Jesus loved…

I have been the victim of those in the church that judge me, mock me, and tear me down for having tattoos for being outspoken and for pushing the envelope and the way of thinking. Instead of listening to my train of thought, thinking it through, im meant to feel wrong, evil, horrible.