A New Me...

I sit here with the world on my shoulders once again and look back and realize that all that I have gained and all that I have lost. I realize the person I was and who I have become and am realizing my faults, my triumphs, my strengths and my extreme weaknesses.

 

As the fog clears and realizations become clear it is apparent to me what has happened, how people have pushed away, how insecure I have been, and how bitter my life once was and how bitter it is becoming.

 

Different circumstances, realizations, stresses and relationships change a person. I have changed however this does not excuse my behavior of self indulgence and self pity.

 

This is my apology…

 

My apology for letting infertility run my life to a point that I could not see, talk, listen or think anything but infertility. My apology for everyone I have hurt, pushed away, pushed to limits or even used when I could not see clearly enough to realize there is a life out of infertility. My apology for those who wanted so desperately for me to be happy, and tried so hard to get me there, to which I ignored. My apology for taking your happy moments and turning them to be sad for me. My apology for making you scared to share your news, your life, your secrets, your happiness with me.

 

My apology for recent events which again have made me bitter, sad, disappointed and scared. My apology for not being as good of a person as I can be, as good of a friend as you all need me to be, and my apology for not reaching out when I needed and taking the world on myself. My apology for my self indulgence and self pity once again.

 

This is my goal.

 

My goal to realize my weaknesses of feeling I can not lean on others when they lean on me. My goal to be able to put my life on hold for a moment to celebrate, mourn, enjoy, indulge, explore life with you when you need it. My goal to live each day as a new day and to let go of the bitterness, the hurt, the equality or lack there of in life. My goal to be better, which will be my goal for the entirety of my life.

 

So this is a new me… one that will no longer be bitter, hold resentment, scream unfairness, cry at others happiness. This is a new day, a new life, and a new world. This is a new me.