After several years of infertility, well really anything hard to deal with in life that is consistent... a person learns to either live with it or let it control their life.
For me, personally, I have learnt to live with it. After a period of time I became numb to the emotions. Baby announcements no longer cripple me, I don't cry at the drop of a hat (or at a negative test) and baby showers are easier to attend. I can even enjoy myself and not fake it til I make it any longer.
The feeling is just always there though, the thought, the knowledge, that it doesn't happen for me, for us. Its a sad reality but its our reality and we live it.
We knew it when we started trying again and nothing happened. Before the tests, the doctors, the appointments, the poking and the prodding, we knew. Its just something that you feel I think. The hope was lost almost immediately and we just knew it wouldn't happen for us the natural way.
Everyone and their cousin knows someone who knows someone that "did IVF and just got pregnant naturally without even trying for their second". Its like everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows something that adopted and BAM pregnant. We, however, are not those people, unfortunately.
I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not even disappointed... I'm Angry! SO SO ANGRY! How come we cant just "get pregnant" when so far the tests keep coming back normal? I'm angry that I now have to go sit... and wait... for blood work. I have to wait for an appointment for a special x-ray that may or may not be this month and may or may not result in surgery. I'm angry that I have to get another ultrasound to see if I even have eggs left, if I can even get pregnant again. I am angry that people can have babies and before their babies can even crawl they have more babies. I am angry that people I know and love dearly are going through the same freaking thing I am and its just not fair.
ITS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!
I hate infertility. Its such a strong word, hate. People really use it way to often and out of context but this... this I hate. I am so incredibly passionate about it. I try to help as many people through this journey as possible and the passion drives me.
Some days I feel so incredibly alone... I run a page on facebook about infertility. I run it with 5 other AMAZING women. Some of whom have been blessed with children and others who are fighting hard for their miracle. I am the one in both categories. I was blessed, through the gift of science and the faith of god, with our beautiful daughter but desperately longing to make her a big sister. Feeling incredibly guilty for wanting more, or even thinking of posting on my page about secondary infertility as I have been attacked in the past for this. The same women that helped me through our molar pregnancy, through the loss of our second embryo after it had attacked then couldn't hold on after seven weeks, the same women that were so happy for me that IVF worked for us after 6.5 years of failed treatments and cycles. Those women attacking me for even thinking of having another and having to go down the same road as we did for Amelia.
Amelia. Our angel, who deserves to have a sibling. Our beautiful miracle who would be such an amazing big sister. Who has no idea what she's missing out on when it comes to siblings. Holding her last night though, as she asked for a baby, and no doll would suffice, hurt me deeply, knowing there was no baby in my tummy. There are no brothers or sisters in her near future. No babies in ours and I'm angry.
