What Happens Now??

It’s taken me a long time to write this one out… what to do? What to do?... what do you do when everything you’ve worked towards, built towards, wished upon and prayed about isn’t coming and you’re faced with the idea of giving it up?

 

You have had the same thought for years now… 5 years to be exact… every eyelash, shooting star, 11:11 wish is all the same. Every prayer has it hidden in there as a request… every breakdown is begging God for the wish to come true… everyone you know knows your struggle, your wish and your desire…. And the fact that it’s not coming true…

 

What do you do when you decide to give it up? Where do you turn your thoughts too? What do you think about? Do you get lost in a book? Do you plan a trip? How do you not feel lost and pained knowing you’re giving your dream up?

 

When two people enter into a serious relationship the question “when are you getting married?” gets asked a lot…. When they get engaged “when’s the date?”. When they get married “How’s married life?” a year into marriage people ask them “So…. Are kids in the near future?”

 

What happens when that couple decides it’s time to build a family… they try and try for kids… weeks turn into months, months into years, and suddenly after 5 years your thoughts are consumed with baby everything. What happens when the kids that are so desperately wanted never come? What happens when they decide that before they move on to the expensive options, such as in-vitro fertilization or adoption they need a couple year break.

 

What happens when everyone looks at you so sad when you tell them “We are going to enjoy our childfree lifestyle for a couple of years… regroup and maybe try for kids when we are 30”?

 

How do you move on from everything it seems you’ve ever wanted. How do you walk away from your dream and hold your head up high. How do you get excited for anything else when you’re faced with the fact that the last time you had a dream, a goal, a wish it never came true?

 

What happens now that the dream is over for now?… What happens now that I don’t have this to hold on to?... What happens now?

Mother's Day

Sunday should have been my first Mother’s Day. I should have the cutest little girl crawling around and exploring her surroundings the way 8 month old babies do. Instead I sit here with empty arms, an empty womb and a broken heart.

 

Although I have healed and accepted my situtation and this ever lasting journey I still cant help but shed a tear for the dreams we had, the dreams that died, and the baby that was called to heaven before we got to see her little face.

 

I run a page on Facebook called “The Dream of Being Called Mommy and Daddy” along with three of the most amazing women I have ever come across. One of our supporters posted this poem on the page and was reposted and forwarded to me by Hannah. I read it at work, against her advice, and now have tear streaks running down my cheeks and watery tired eyes for the loss that I endured and the beautiful little girl of mine that is in heaven. It’s a good cry though…

 

Happy Mother’s Day to you all, for the moms with babies in heaven and the mom’s with babies on earth. We are all Mothers.

 I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know that you're the best mom!"