A year ago today I wrote a post, a post about our journey to become parents. A post that describes the ups and the downs and the constant mind changes emotions and events of infertility and the beginnins of in vitro fertilization.
A year ago today I felt at peace I felt that I was no longer in control and I was just following the path that was being laid out for us. I was scared, I was excited, I was nervous and I was anxious but I never thought that in one year I would be laying in bed with a pink baby blanket beside me, a portable swing off to the side of my bed and a beautiful little girl to call our own.
This was not an easy journey.
If you go back to my previous posts you can read about the struggles of the process of in vitro. You can read about our previous pregnancy loss, you can read about my emotional breakdowns you can read about my strength and my strong days. You can read about all of that stuff but life as I knew it has ended.
Everyone told me that everything was going to change when we had the baby. Everyone told me to enjoy my life well I could because when this baby would come it would change everything. The way people describe this made it sound like our lives were basically over when we have this baby and that the baby would ruin everything. No one described it as a good thing. We were advised to say goodbye to our sleep say goodbye to our freedom say goodbye to our sex life say goodbye to our fun,
They were right in the sense that everything changed only because nothing really changed at all. Nothing changed except for everything that I am, that we are. Our house is the same, our friends are the same, our activities remain the same, our humor, our interests are the same. But I don't feel the same. Realistically nothing really changed but my whole being. When that beautiful little girl came out of me I changed. I became a mom and I have never ever known love like I know for that girl. I am never ever felt what I feel for that tiny little being. This Philly is something that is indescribable. I can try and lay out the words I can try and put it in fancy writing. I can try and describe to you what the term mama bear actually means but you will never understand unless you feel it.
Actually quite crazy this ride called parenthood. I know I am only a month in but it feels like my life is so empty before she came. I didn't realize how much we needed her and how much she brings to our lives. It's funny they say babies at this stage just eat sleep and cry but our little girl is so curious. She always tries to find a window to look at or something blue to discover. She smiles. She makes eye contact with me and smiles this is by far the hardest job I have ever had to do but when she looks at me and smiles I know I'm doing something right.
I love my husband more than anything but seeing him be her daddy has made me love him more than I ever thought possible. Another indescribable feeling is my love for him and watching him be such a natural, amazing, wonderful father has made me fall in love with him all over again.
It's quite crazy this journey called life. I never knew a life could end up without the heart stopping its beat and begin again without a last breath been taken. This is exactly what happened to me. My life ended on January 18, 2016 at 1:47 AM and began again at 1:48 AM when Amelia joined our world. When people said everything was going to change no one said that I would change and I cannot tell you who I was I can't even tell you who I am because everything that is happened has changed me so dramatically that again it is indescribable. Life as I knew it had ended and life as I know it has begun. I am so excited to see where God brings me on this path!!
