I guess the title says it all. I posted a status update on Facebook the other day saying how I have let the bitterness go about infertility.
When we started trying to get pregnant we didn’t expect the journey we were about to embark on. Infertility has been the hardest journey I could ever imagine and I pray it is the hardest journey I ever have to face. With that said, I would walk this journey an infinite amount of time as long as Graham were walking with me.
I have seen so many couples torn apart by infertility. Couples who seemed to be so happy and so in love, torn apart because of the blame, the guilt, the childless life, the fights, the struggle and the endless heartbreak. I have seen so many happy times ruined because of infertility and I refuse to let this happen to me.
I believe infertility, and God, strengthened my marriage to be unbreakable. There have been so many tears, so much heartbreak, but I am so happy because of my husband, my relationship and my faith in my creator.
I have always said I wish this pain on no-one yet it still hurt, and broke me into pieces, when others would get pregnant. I have had to pull over on the side of the road after a phone call announcement. I have fallen to the ground in tears after reading an e-announcement. I have screamed at God about my pain, I have blamed him, I have thrown things, punched things, and became severely depressed for a few months over my inability to conceive, and hold, a child.
I am so incredibly relieved and happy to say that because of God, because of Graham and because of the power of prayer I am finally in a place where I am content in my life. I will not let infertility run my life any longer. I WILL NOT LET INFERTILITY TAKE CONTROL!!!!!
I have been quite happy in my life as it is with my best friend, my love, and the one who knows me best as my husband. My strong family and their endless support, my amazing friends that randomly drop little gifts at my door, call me to see how I’m doing, or send me little notes to let me know that I’m loved. I am so incredibly blessed in my life and for that I thank God.
I am finally content. I am more than content. I am finally happy.
This does not mean that I have lost hope, it does mean that I am content if I never carry my own child.
We will not live a childless life, well I don’t think. God may have other plans but until then we will start adoption proceedings and we will hopefully have a child of our own, regardless of who gave birth to him/her. It’s all in God’s plan though.
Until then, in this moment, I am relieved, I am content, I am so incredibly happy. I am so excited for my upcoming adventures, future journeys, and my amazing future that is laying at my feet.
It is so relieving when you let go of the anger.
