I am Infertile, Deal with it!

So this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW!! I run an infertility page with my dear friend Lindsay and we have been doing a different "theme" every day. Its quite fun and inspirational with all of the good advice, sayings, tattoos and stories that have come to light this week with all the new likes on our page and comments and pictures.

I was told once that I need to stop saying that we are infertile because we were expecting a baby at one point.... I was pained by this because I found that as painful as infertility is, it has led me to some powerful things. It has helped me become much closer with God and has allowed me to watch as my wonderful husband has been turning into such a man of God. He is so strong and is my rock and its amazing to see him gain strength, love, and trust in God and by God.

Early pregnancy loss is just as painful as never conceiving and infertility is trying to conceive unsuccessfully for a year. We tried for 3.5 years before conceiving, and we lost it at 7 weeks. We are infertile and I will not be quiet about that. Im sure that if we dug our heels down and pushed hard we would find a reason as to why we haven't been able to conceive or why we lost the baby so early. However, we have a marriage, not just an infertile relationship. We are taking it day by day, loving each other more and more. Living in our marriage and trusting in God.

I have found a "place" almost. I love running that page and love helping in anyway that I can. I love the people I have been in contact with over the last year and how close I have become with the amazing people that I have met through that page.

I love Lindsay. That girl has been my best friend next to my husband and has shared my most private meltdowns and happiest of times. She has cried when I've cried, and laughed when I have laughed. She has picked me up when I needed it and she could always tell, even through something as small as an email, when I needed to talk. I will always be greatful to God for bringing us together when we are so far apart.

I'm told over and over again that the reason we cant conceive is because we get stressed. I'm sorry to tell you this, but stress has no factor! Although infertility is very stressful according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, there is no proof that stress is a factor of infertility. http://www.asrm.org/Stress_and_Infertility_factsheet/

I am Infertile, I know that makes you uncomfortable, but I am, and I will never forget the struggle of this journey and the amazing people and experiences that have come with it.

Deal with it.

The Hard Road to Recovery

I have been drafting this entry for a couple of days now..

I am reaching a point where im wondering, realizing, and coming to grips with the fact that our dream, may be just that, a dream and nothing more. I would give anything to have a child, anything except my marriage, so with that in mind I am going to stop focusing on the baby so much and start living our child free life again. Thinking maybe get another animal or something, wonder how my dog would do with that.

I know what a few of you are saying to yourselves right now “it’s only been 2 months since your surgery, give it time!” I get that but you didn’t see what I saw on the monitor. The fetus turned into a huge mass that almost filled my uterus. It took 3.5 years to conceive and when we did it turned into a mass… an abnormal pregnancy… not a molar though, nor a miscarriage… just abnormal. This gets my head swirling, what if it takes another 3.5 years and what if it comes out to be another abnormal pregnancy? Will I ever be able to carry a child, carry it to term, and have a healthy child? Are we really up for actively trying for another 3.5 years? Or should we maybe just keep travelling, living our lives, enjoy the childless life.

I can’t give up the fact that something feels like its missing though, I can’t help but cry every time someone tells me they are having a girl or a boy, I can’t help but question why when someone announces their pregnancy, their birth, or their child’s latest accomplishment. I can’t help but feel so empty inside when I think about our child and our loss.

I don’t want to see a counselor because really, when I see a counselor I end up doing their job, explain what’s wrong, explain why, and what I should do, they sit there quietly and say “that’s a good idea…” well thanks I could just talk to my family, friends or husband about this instead then. I find that talking about it helps but everyone has their own problems so I don’t want to dump my issues on them… So I’ll post here. I know that not many people read this blog but the people that do, seem to care about how I’m doing, without waiting on me to reach out to them to make sure they know how I’m doing.

If you feel you want to talk with me, then please, do, I could use the support, but I don’t want to dump on others during their troubled times so Im sorry but I will not reach out to you to make sure that you know that I need someone… This is my reaching out… take it as that please.  If this offends you that I am not personally seeking you out, I revert back to my first blog post, this is my no nonsense zone, this is my time for me and if you don’t like what I post then I apologize that you are offended but I refuse to filter here, this is my get away, my space, and my thoughts and feelings.