Its the last day of 2017 and I can't help but reflect on the last year, as so many of us do on this day. Its been a bit of a whirlwind but a year that has made us stronger and happier. Lessons were learned, memories were made and I wouldn't change a thing.
How things can change in one years time.
A year ago, we still had a baby, now that baby turns 2 in January.
A year ago, we had 2 less nieces and now, both of Graham's siblings have beautiful daughters.
A year ago all of our nieces and nephews were minors and now one has turned 18 and moved out. Everyone aged a year and I thank God every day that we are all still here.
A year ago I had never met 2 people I talk to constantly. Two of the few amazing women who have helped me through our infertility journey, who continue to help. Now one of those women is planning a trip to Canada to see me because one year of not seeing each other has just been too long.
A year ago we entered the New Year with hopes and dreams of bringing another baby into the family this year. Now we see the fertility specialist in a few weeks because those dreams didn't pan out as planned.
A year ago we had acquaintances with some, and strong friendships with other. Now those acquaintances are our best friends and those strong friendships even stronger. A year ago we had people who had left our lives and now they are back due to circumstances in life that has brought us back together.
A year ago I didn't know what to expect for 2017 and now its over. In an instant, and a lifetime, this year draws to a close. There are a few moments that are more clear in my memory than others. Some I wish I could forget, some I hope never dissipate.
I am entering 2018 with a happy heart and a clear mind. I have no regrets of the past and plenty of hope for the future. I carry no pain, but remember the lessons that were learnt. I learned that friends can quickly become family and family doesn't always mean friends. I learned its ok to stand up for what I believe in, even if that means it may cause drama and arguments. I have learned to pick my battles and that sometimes its just easier to let it go, whether is be a situation or a person.
My thoughts and prayers for 2018 are that all of my friends and family have an amazing year. An unforgettable, extremely blessed, fully of laughs year. I pray this for those who are reading this, and those who won't.
Sunday 31 December 2017
Wednesday 11 October 2017
Volume 2.. Here we go again
There’s an age old question after you have a child… “When are you going to give that baby a sibling?”... The sibling. Someone for that little bundle that you worked so hard to get to play with. A friend for life.
I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer. I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.
A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”
That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.
This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.
The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”
Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.
It’s been one year.
I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer. I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.
A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”
That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.
This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.
The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”
Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.
It’s been one year.
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