As promised.... Things Not to Say

Happy Friday everyone!

Today’s post is being shared and I hope people feel free to use this and share this as they see fit.

I am not sure how many of you that are reading this are going through infertility and how many of you have told people that you are struggling with it.

It took me a long time to start telling people what is going on but after 3 years I grew tired of the ridiculous comments and reasons as to why people think that I cant seem to get pregnant.

I know I am not the first person to compose this list but I feel like I have had to read two or three lists to even get close to all the comments so here goes:

“Things NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility – in no particular order”

How do you know you can’t have kids?

The same way you knew you could have kids. We all have been trying for well over a year (3 years for us) and have not had one positive test.  You know how you decided to start trying for a baby and it took you a whole 3 months to conceive but you eventually had conceived? Well try not conceiving and that’s how you know.

What is WRONG with you?

There is no one person that tears us down more than ourselves. We look at ourselves in the mirror and tell ourselves to stop being broken… that’s our pep talk to ourselves.. stop being broken. The last thing we need is for you to point out the fact that we are broken because we have just spent the last length amount of time trying to convince ourselves that we are in fact not broken.

Maybe it’s him?

Although you think that if its not the woman then it must be the man, that is just not the case. There is such a thing as unexplained infertility. That is where it is not her fault and its not his fault nor is it both of their faults… its just the way the cards were dealt. Rest assured our doctors have tested both of us and we are both just fine.

Maybe its just not in God’s plan right now.

Unless God has come to you and told you directly what his plan is for me, please leave his planning up to him and the wondering up to me. I have had many many conversations and heartfelt prayers with God during this journey and him and I are already on an understanding. He knows my heart and I know he will not leave me to be miserable and heartbroken every month and he will bless me. I do not need anyone to tell me otherwise.

Everything happens for a reason.

Let me get this straight… have you never wondered “why me” about anything? Ever? Or have you ever felt heartbroken ever?? Is your life really that perfect? Probably not right? So let me ask you would you ever want someone shrugging your pain off with “happened for a reason”? You have no idea how much this hurts nor will you ever if you have children. Please do not shrug this off as if its nothing. Where would you be without your children?

You're so lucky. I just have to walk around naked to get pregnant.
Well thank you for letting me know that your super power is you're super awesome is thinking pregnancy and having it happen... but could you please explain to me how being infertile is lucky??? Are you really that ignorant that you think this is Lucky?!? Wake up!!

At least you know you can get pregnant. In regards to miscarriages.

Explain to me… How is losing a child that took you so long to conceive any less painful then not conceiving at all? Is there really a bright side to know you have one or two children in heaven waiting for you then there is to know that you have never conceived??

I completely know how you feel. It took us like 8 months to conceive… It was so hard.

No you don’t know how it feels… You may have had your heart broken for the 7 months before you conceived every time AF came along but you have no idea how it feels to hear “you need a specialist”, “you need surgery”, “you need pills”, “you need treatment”, “you need more tests”, “you need more treatments”…. And still deal with the sting of AF showing up every month… or never see that second line appear on the pregnancy tests..

At least you have an answer as to why? Some couples have no idea!
Although I am part of one of those couples that has no idea why I do understand that being infertile hurts and is extremely painful with or without an answer.

It’s because you’re so negative. If you just relax I bet it will happen! or Go on a Trip! It’ll happen then!

I’m sorry but when did you become a specialist in unexplained interfility?? Let me tell you something. When I started this journey I was extremely excited to be a mom. Then the months went by and I thought maybe I was to stressed so I started doing yoga and reading and finding activities to both keep my mind off of it and to relax me. I was in a really great place internally. We went on trips, we tried different things, we went on weekend get aways, the whole nine yards. Then the years went by and that is where I started to get negative…. The infertility caused the negative attitude not the other way around.

Why don’t you adopt?? My cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend adopted and got pregnant the next month!

Although I am happy for your cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend the statistics of that are extremely low and it really is a 1 in a million shot. That is not suggested at the fertility clinics as a fertility treatment for a reason, because for those of us who aren’t your cousins, friends, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friend, that just wont happen. It is not a form of conception and I don’t believe that a person should just adopt for the hope of creating a child of your own. Adoption is a very long drawn out route. It is extremely hard to wait the 3-7 years for a child… for your phone to ring… it makes you second guess every decision you have ever had to make and can turn the couple against eachother… Adoption is not for every one and there is no majic trick behind it that can get you pregnant…. Although adoption is not off the table for us… I think you should adopt because you will love that baby and be a parent to that baby and that baby WILL be your own even though it doesn’t have your DNA.

You’re still young.

Thank you for making me feel like I am very young and immature and have no idea about what I think I want… Now let me tell you something. Infertility knows no age… I am right in the middle of what is supposed to be, my most fertile time. I do not have a child yet, not for lack of trying. I am young you’re right but I have also had years to want this.. to pray for this.. to fear this. I know I am young but again you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why don’t you do IVF?

Do you know how expensive treatments are? Did you know that IVF is the most expensive one and is the most mood changing, painful, hard to handle type of treatment? Did you know that in order to get to the IVF stage we have probably already spent our life savings in other treatments to avoid spending the $13,000+ each cycle?? Like adoption you just cant JUST DO IVF… it’s something that you build up to.. that you try everything else first.

But treatments are so unnatural.

Yes I agree… but obviously the natural way is not working…. And just cause it worked for you doesn’t mean that what I am doing is wrong.

You’re going to have a test-tube baby?!?!?

My child will not be a freakin science experiment… but thank you….. I see you had a drunken, one night stand, bastard child…. But did I ask you if that’s the kind of baby you’re having when you announced your pregnancy even though your relationship status says “it’s complicated”? No I said “do you know what you’re having? How far along are you?” or even if you got pregnant and were trying did I point out everything that could have been better in your marriage or in your life when you announced your pregnancy? No I said “IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!” cause I truly was…. And in no way will my child be any less a child than yours is just because it was conceived in a clinic and not at home in my bed or car or couch or wherever.

I am sure that I will think of more things to add to this list but this is just a start. Please try to keep these things in mind when talking to me about this. Some things that might be good to say is “I have no idea what you’re going through but I can try to understand and I am here to talk if you want”. Or “I’m praying for you” or “I know God has an amazing plan for you. Don’t lose faith” or even… “lets go for a drink” sometimes we just need to get away from everything and go meet someone for a drink and cry over nothing and laugh til it hurts… we’re still human even if we are struggling we still love girls nights and obviously we arent pregnant so a glass of wine and a chick flick is always appreciated too. Remember who we were before all of this and why you love us...