The Results and the Dreaded Two Week Wait (2WW)

The dreaded two week wait...

Day 1: The day after transfer. Wake up feeling hopeful, happy and ready. We both rubbed my little belly and said good morning to our little embabies and told them to stay tucked inside and hold on for dear life. Prayer, prayer, smiles and more prayer.

Day 2: Sleep... need sleep... the cramps are exhausting my legs are on fire. Can't exercise but need to move...

Day 4: This has been the longest two weeks of my life so far and it hasn't even been a week since transfer day. Got a call from the clinic that our other two embryos hadn't grown since day two of egg retrieval so they had nothing to freeze. I feel loss... even though they were just balls of cells I feel like we just lost 2 babies... holding on to hope for these two little ones inside of me. Praying they both stick and I get to see them both grow inside of me and be raised by me.

Day 7: Doubt has me getting up in the middle of the night checking for signs that this IVF has failed. All of the physical signs are pointing to me being pregnant but my mind is saying that I could not be and that these are just symptoms of the drugs. One more week to wait until we can know for sure. Praying very very hard.

Day 11: Wondering if I should take an HPT... Every blog I read, every post I read, every article says that the result of an HPT as at today should be accurate. My fear is if its negative... all that money, time, emotion, energy just flushed down the drain... its not even the money honestly.. who cares...we can always try again.. I have just been praying so hard and I feel like this is it so now I'm scared because my hopes are high... I tried to protect myself but everyone keeps telling me how excited they are for me, how they just know this is going to work... my guard is down and my hopes are up... PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!

Day 12: IM PREGNANT!!!!!!! I peed on a stick and it turned positive right away.... I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!

Day 14: One more sleep until Blood Work, 2 more sleeps until my pregnancy is confirmed and we go to our regular doctor. I am going to go to go buy baby stuff today haha. Just enough stuff to do our announcement... we're so freaking excited to start telling the world!! We have decided to announce to our families starting tomorrow or Saturday. I am having a hell of a time keeping this to myself!!

Day 15: Turns out this brewing up a baby thing is exhausting... I ended up going home and relaxing all night. Since I have my blood work to confirm the pregnancy after work I have decided to go get the stuff for the announcement tonight, we will probably even print the pictures tonight too to give to my family tomorrow. Its been hard to not tell people. My mom called me this morning to see how I am feeling and I just felt like responding "IM PREGNANT".  I didn't though....

Day 16 - 18: The announcement turned out amazing... my dogs are such good sports!! We told our friends and families and everyone is very excited for us!!

Now time to wait for the first ultrasound and enjoy this pregnancy and start preparing for baby!!

TRANSFER DAY!! IVF in all its Glory!!

We did it! We finally took the plunge and made the big decision... IVF or adoption... And we chose IVF!

Today was transfer day and I'm currently sitting on my couch in my pjs (at 2 pm) with my fur babies and my hand protectively sitting on my belly where 2 little embryos are resting comfortably!!

First things first... There's a grieving process to realize that you can't conceive. Your body is failing at doing the one thing it is built to do, get pregnant. After almost 6 long years we finally gave up on the hope of conceiving naturally, sought help and did what we had to do!

First is the testing... Before you even get offered treatment you feel as if everyone and their mother has seen your who-ha and you don't even care if it ends up on YouTube or Facebook. You've lost all dignity. 

The results are in they're looking good and you're waiting for the call to get offered treatment. A couple months go by and when it feels like they've forgotten you paid the few hundred to get on that list, they call!!

You pay your thousands, go get your meds and your timeline and are overwhelmed at the number of syringes and vials and the underwhelmed at the small bottle of pills... You quickly realize that you are a freaking pro at administering needles and after a couple days they take you no time at all!!

Then the monitoring sessions. The first one our doctor looked at me and apologized.. "We're not comfortable with the amount of follicles are stimulating... There's just not enough. We'd like to give you two more days but you only have 2 follicles that may work. We might have to terminate the IVF and do insemination instead". Heart drops, tears flow, breath catches. The doctor and nurse frantically look for Kleenex as the comment "$10,000 and you can't give me Kleenex?" Flys in their direction. 

I went to work and then home in a daze all the while praying hard, I called my family and they prayed hard. 

Second session: I went in again and found out just how awesome God is and all of a sudden I have just enough follicles!! The nurse knows me and explains the risks but says something I'll be forever grateful for "IVF is great but God is better"! 

Third session: The next day I have even more follicles and despite the nurse saying I may not have anything to freeze the day before retrieval day comes and they take 5 eggs! 5 EGGS!! From 2 follicles to 5 eggs!! 

The clinic calls the next day and says that 4 fertilized and all of a sudden we have four little babies sitting in a dish at the clinic! They call every day to tell us how they're doing and before we knew it we were holding hands outside the clinic praying that he's with us as we walk in...

We walk in and see the two cutest bunches of cells ever... We watch everything as they suck up our little babies into a catheter and transfer them to my uterus! They give us a couple minutes and we pray again for God to protect those babies and my body and that this is his plan..

You wish you could savor the moment but crap you have to pee!! Time ticks on and you're craving a toilet, bucket, whatever!!

You finally go pee, get dressed and look around the clinic as you put a hand on that belly and think "I hope I never have to come back here"

2 little embryos... 2 little babies and 2 people that can not wait to take a test to confirm that our dreams are going to come true. We are finally going to be called Mommy and Daddy!

Change...

Anticipating change can be a dangerous thing. A person can crave it knowing its coming, fear it being so close and welcome it when it arrives. These feelings are confusing and make us feel like we have no control.

Change is inevitable however sometimes it doesn't come fast enough.

It could be a stay at home mother, whose husband works out of town and the little ones are growing quickly and she's feeling stuck. She wants another baby but her husband doesn't, her age wont allow her or she's developed a disease that has made conceiving nearly impossible. She feels she has no right to complain about infertility with her two little ones in her arms yet feels the pain of the day to day, the routine, and the every lasting knowing that this is her life now. She knows what her friend is going through when she tells her that she's getting divorced but she cant say anything because her husband hasn't left her yet. She's waiting for the day he realizes she's a failure but hope that day never comes. She is overwhelmed with love for her babies but this life, this world, this pain isn't what she imagined. She's craving change but cant see it coming to greet her any time soon.

There's the single girl whose life is put together. She has an amazing career, a beautiful home, an amazing roommate and so many friends. She has built herself up from heartbreak and horror and has figured out who she is, what she wants and has been working and changing herself to be happy. She's been hurt so many times that she wants to find love, to find someone to share her future with, but she's scared. She's terrified to give it her all to get nothing in return. She's hoping for the change, the one to be her perfect match but she's terrified of it. She's so scared of change that it paralyzes her when she wants to move... she's urging her body and mind and heart to move... but her fear is paralyzing her to the ground in a stone like state... She's begging for the change but is over run by fear of it.

There's the young couple, who got married and started trying for a family right away... years went by and they tried everything they could... they craved that baby... they did treatments, drugs, vacations, and fell into a routine of falling in love, seeing the world, but craving that family. The time has finally come where they are in a state to get their dreams and they are ready, they are anxious, they cant sit still they're so excited... the change cant come fast enough. There are risks, there are doubts and there may be heart break but they can stand it!! They are so welcoming to this change that since its so close they feel their in a rut!! They are so used to going on vacation whenever they want and they are so close to their treatment that they cant wait but are itching to get away, itching for a change. Their days are dragging and their nights are restless. Their legs want travel and their hearts want that baby. They know their change is coming but cant wait for it to get here.

Change... its paralyzing, exciting, amazing and horrible. It can make your world or break it down. It can heal you, help you or slowly kill you.

Change.

Journey

Our journey so far…

Its been a while since I updated and looking through my blogs, man we have changed our mind a lot… From adoption, to travelling, to breaking, to adoption, to IVF its been a long journey and one that God has been in control of.

We have been trying for almost 6 years now. A few months shy of 6 years. In that time people have had baby #1, #2 and in some cases #3. We have been through every emotion imaginable. We have watched as people have announced pregnancies that were un-planned, planned to save a marriage, planned to start a family, and pregnancies that were terminated. We have crumbled to the floor in tears for lost babies, we have jumped for joy for those who have gotten pregnant. We have rejoiced in our gift from our God and wept when that gift flew away before we could meet it.

We have lost friends, gained friends, realized the definition of friendship and had to say good bye to those we thought would always be around.

We have questioned, pled, begged, cried and bargained with God and we are finally finally at a decision, and have stuck by it, planned for it, and started the process.

We let go of the hope of conceiving on our own but our God hasn’t let us let go of the hope of holding our own child in my womb. He hasn’t let go of the dream to feel it kick, or watch my belly grow. He has not let us let go of the hope of becoming a family.

Every time we decided to start the adoption proceedings something would get in the way. Looking back now, that something was fear and knowledge that this wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right for both of us. It was scary, scary as hell. We couldn’t imagine falling in love with a child that could be taken away from us. Public adoption just hasn’t felt right for us. We don’t think adoption, private or public, is wrong in anyway, and it may not even be wrong for us in the future but right now, here in this moment, what we’re doing, is right.

We didn’t hesitate, we didn’t blink, we didn’t let fear overwhelm us. We started the proceedings for IVF. We paid the registration fee, we booked our testing appointments, we booked our follow up and started the race. We have endured the poking and prodding of the doctors. The needles, the x-rays, the uncomfortable examination rooms, the vitamins, the meetings the conferences… its just coming together … no its not… its not a fluke… this is supposed to happen… its in the plan!!

We’re so excited to start our family.

For the first time since that first doctors appointment after we hit the year of trying, I feel at peace. Im just relaxed and ready...

Will post again when more information comes to us!

Proud to be Loud

You think calling me crass, rude, outspoken is a bad thing. That just means your paying attention. Thing is, sometimes a person spends their whole life chasing the definition of themselves, constantly forming, changing and morphing into someone they feel they need to be. People tell them what they should and shouldn’t talk about, how they should feel, what they should do and how they should do it and it all plays into the forming of the person you’re trying to find.

It takes a strong individual to stand up to your loved ones, to your family to your friends and announce who you are, to not back down and to shrug off the advice to be quiet, to be calmer, to not talk about certain subjects. It takes being blunt to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and not favour everyone else’s opinion or schedule. This strength, this individuality, this bluntness will push away those you thought were close, and will bring in those you thought you couldn’t stand.

Its crazy how the world works. A movie comes out about a different type of love, a different type of sex and the whole religious community is up in arms because its not the typical sex scen that a movie portrays, therefore it is a wrong type of sex and we should not be involving ourselves into it. Yet every movie with any type of love story is wrong then. Just because a girl isn’t tied up and blindfolded, on her own choice, and the sex is slow and passionate, doesn’t mean its not a sex scene.

Its insane that people who are to accept everyone and love the way jesus loves can point and laugh, judge, and mock those with a different sexuality, with tattoos, with a voice that is so powerful its intimidating… So much for love like Jesus loved…

I have been the victim of those in the church that judge me, mock me, and tear me down for having tattoos for being outspoken and for pushing the envelope and the way of thinking. Instead of listening to my train of thought, thinking it through, im meant to feel wrong, evil, horrible.

 

Best Years of My Life

Christmas is over, family times were spent playing games, visiting, laughing, bugging, and joking around. 2014 is ending and we are entering into another great year. Going back through our minds its amazing how much one person can go through in the span of 52 weeks. Travelling to new places, people are married, people are born, people are no longer with us. Through out a mere 365 days how is a person supposed to wrap up their lives through out the last year in one simple post.

 

Facebook has these timeline movies, newspaper articles, slideshows, whatever. Some people have been forced to relive one of the worst years of their lives due to these posts, some people are reminded of everything they didn't accomplish, the dreams that didn't happen, the wishes that didn't come true.

 

Some people were so eager to post these posts as their battle ended, they had children, they got married, they beat cancer!

 

But did one little video sum up everything you've felt, the tears you've cried, the joy you've felt, the devastation in your chest? The most liked pictures, were those your favorite times? The most popular post, was that your happiest moments or was filled with heartache and people were sympathetic and offering their condolences and well wishes?

 

My simple little post is reflecting on my year, the lost, the found, the feelings, the successes and the fails to which I own, that are mine and mine alone, for my 2014.

 

We made new friends, I grew my voice a bit more, and lost a few friends in the process. I have decided to not form to be someone I am not, I am strengthening daily. I am not entering 2015 with regret for not having the child I so desperately wanted but I am ending 2014 as my year off from infertility. I have accepted that people can just grow apart even after decades of friendship. I hold no resentment, I hold no hardships, I take things as they come, move forward and move on.

 

I had a lot of fun this year, late night fires, driving the coast with my husband, exploring cape cod with his family, my first baseball game, many football games, had a ton of different smoked meals.... a ton of smoked meals... I swore to much, I drank to much, I had way to much coffee and chocolate but I laughed, a lot. I had a blast, not a care in the world. I tanned, I visited, I laughed, a lot.

 

2014 was maybe one of the best years of my life for no particular reason. There were a few big moments, our nephew, Abel, was born. Pregnancy announcements happened, babies were adopted, engagements happened, Weddings happened, plans were made. We moved into a beautiful new home, we have made future plans. Nothing to big that this post will focus on one thing.

 

2014 was one of the best years of my life because I spent it around people who helped me flourish, who taught me new things. I spent each big moment with my husband by my side encouraging me to follow whatever it was that I wanted to follow at that moment. It was one of the best years of my life because, even though there was drama, pain and problems, I have learnt so much. Even though there were bad times the good times surpassed the bad by far and it was an amazing year.

 

I wont go on to facebook and post a bunch of pictures from the last year, but I will share this post celebrating 2014, and praying 2015 is even better.

 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!

Contagious If Not Careful

Its a strange thing really, how a persons mood can affect your world. How you can be so happy one minute then the tension rises, their mood strikes and your knocked down from your cloud of happiness and down to the sludge of resentment and hatefulness.

 

Moods are contagious if you let them be, unhappiness is like a virus and spreads to those around you.



Everyone's lives prove to be difficult, whether it be the young mom with a couple of children who hasn't had a real sleep in months, who has bags under her eyes or spit up on every piece of clothing she own, a housewife feeling neglected from her husband and bitterness building with each passing day, a family crumbling under the financial weight of this world, struggling to keep on top of the monthly expenses, or the top executive whose company rests on his shoulders and if one thing goes wrong he is the one to blame. Everyone is fighting something. Dealing with horrible stress, and always has one problem constantly nagging at them in the back of their minds. However, it depends on how you react, how you adjust, if you fight of if you let it overtake you. Do you  do things out of spite, miss out on moments you'd love to be a part of based on principal? Or do you let it slide off your shoulders, and look around to turn things positive, give up the fight to dwell in the happy moments.

 

Some people need to sit and stir in their despair. They need to feed the emotions in order to feel alive. They do not realize that they tear everyone around them down but they wonder constantly how it seems people pull away. They think, rethink, overthink to a point that they tear themselves apart and feel even worse about themselves. They refuse to seek help or take advice. they have convinced themselves there is no such thing as happiness for them. They have decided their is no real love, no true love. They don't believe in success for their lives. They are always ready to fight, to fight the battle, not the war, the defense is always up and they spread like wildfire and take down anyone they can. Their bitterness, hatefulness, unhappiness is contagious, contagious if not careful.

 

In times a person can be the happiest person with so much to deal with yet they smile through and know this will not break them. They can be fighting through things and staying positive when they are introduced to a person that is the complete opposite. The old saying opposites attract seems to work in this situation. Happiness is not as contagious as bitterness. It is easier to take away a persons happy mood, exciting times, good moments by introducing your stress, your hardships, your need to display the pain. The problem is not the need to talk, to vent, to cry but rests on the fact that the unhappiness is an everyday occurrence. Something is always wrong, a continuous cycle and a constant circle. The problem rests on the need to feed to emotion of pain instead of fighting for the happiness you could have.

 

Happiness is contagious but only if you don't let the virus of bitterness overtake you. If you are open to the happiness, it will sting your pride, it will hurt your principals, but you will not care, you will realize the battle of your dignity is at war and you learn to pick your battles, you sift through the bullshit to find the reality of what life can be.