The Hard Road to Recovery

I have been drafting this entry for a couple of days now..

I am reaching a point where im wondering, realizing, and coming to grips with the fact that our dream, may be just that, a dream and nothing more. I would give anything to have a child, anything except my marriage, so with that in mind I am going to stop focusing on the baby so much and start living our child free life again. Thinking maybe get another animal or something, wonder how my dog would do with that.

I know what a few of you are saying to yourselves right now “it’s only been 2 months since your surgery, give it time!” I get that but you didn’t see what I saw on the monitor. The fetus turned into a huge mass that almost filled my uterus. It took 3.5 years to conceive and when we did it turned into a mass… an abnormal pregnancy… not a molar though, nor a miscarriage… just abnormal. This gets my head swirling, what if it takes another 3.5 years and what if it comes out to be another abnormal pregnancy? Will I ever be able to carry a child, carry it to term, and have a healthy child? Are we really up for actively trying for another 3.5 years? Or should we maybe just keep travelling, living our lives, enjoy the childless life.

I can’t give up the fact that something feels like its missing though, I can’t help but cry every time someone tells me they are having a girl or a boy, I can’t help but question why when someone announces their pregnancy, their birth, or their child’s latest accomplishment. I can’t help but feel so empty inside when I think about our child and our loss.

I don’t want to see a counselor because really, when I see a counselor I end up doing their job, explain what’s wrong, explain why, and what I should do, they sit there quietly and say “that’s a good idea…” well thanks I could just talk to my family, friends or husband about this instead then. I find that talking about it helps but everyone has their own problems so I don’t want to dump my issues on them… So I’ll post here. I know that not many people read this blog but the people that do, seem to care about how I’m doing, without waiting on me to reach out to them to make sure they know how I’m doing.

If you feel you want to talk with me, then please, do, I could use the support, but I don’t want to dump on others during their troubled times so Im sorry but I will not reach out to you to make sure that you know that I need someone… This is my reaching out… take it as that please.  If this offends you that I am not personally seeking you out, I revert back to my first blog post, this is my no nonsense zone, this is my time for me and if you don’t like what I post then I apologize that you are offended but I refuse to filter here, this is my get away, my space, and my thoughts and feelings.