Christmas Time Blues

Usually I’m so excited to celebrate Christmas. I get my tree up first thing on December 1 every year. I hang the stockings, the mistletoe. I love to shop for the gifts and love how they look under the tree. I look forward to the parties, the celebrations, the gatherings, the food, and church. Yup I look forward to church because I feel God move in me like no other time but at Christmas. This year… My tree is up but the ornaments are not hung, the stockings are still packed, the mistle toe is at the bottom of a box. The gifts are bought but not wrapped or under the tree. There aren’t many smiles or laughs. We’re trying hard to keep it together. Or at least I am. I keep thinking I should be exhausted, sleep deprived, frustrated, yet overwhelmed with love for the little girl in my arms. I should have spit up on my clothes, in my hair, and I should live in sweat pants. I should be buying cute Christmas dresses and “Babies First Christmas” onesies. I should be extremely excited to introduce our little one to Grahams family as we all gather at his parents place for Christmas. Now the “She’s so cute!” and “she has your eyes and Grahams nose” will not be said. The “Congratulations” will be directed elsewhere, and the term “parent” does not apply to us, once again. We will know that we don’t know what its like to have kids, or how hard they are to raise, and we will feel the sting of the knife through our hearts every time. We will pray our little girl is having an amazing first Christmas, and beg God to please hold her, since we cant. I was doing really really good. I was so happy, so grateful for everything I had, so full of love for my life, my family and friends, my husband and our marriage. Then the Christmas season hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like its ok to break every now and then, especially when you know you can be happy again, and I was, and I will, but until then I ask for prayer. I ask that God overwhelm me with love for the blessings he’s given me. I pray that next year is so much better than this year was, I pray that we finally finally get to feel what its like to be parents next Christmas. I pray that this infertility journey finally ends with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I pray that God grants me patience and understanding and love and compassion as everyone has their own journey, their own story, their own problems. I pray that God helps me remember that I am not the only one suffering. I just pray.

Due Date.. or What Should Have Been

I sit here today, on the day our baby was due to join us, and think about the day I found out we were expecting. We'd been trying for a child for 3.5 years and I thought this day would never come. I had been 6 days late. I was tired, grumpy and hungry for a few days and went to try to relax in a bath. I reluctantly grabbed the test that I'd reluctantly bought cause I thought it would be a waste of money. This was on a Thursday. Thursday, January 3, 2013. I wanted to crawl into my big bed and go to sleep but forced myself into the washroom to start running a bath. I put off taking the test for as long as I could. I took the test the sat in the tub. I grabbed the test as soon as I sat and there was the one word I thought I'd never see... "Pregnant". I couldn't believe it, I ran down stairs after the worst attempt at drying off, not even bothering to get dressed, prayed no one was looking through our windows and pushed the test into Graham's face telling him to look over and over again. He held me and we cried and cried.. That was the second best day of my life.

Three weeks later I started spotting and was sent for an ultrasound. I was 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. That was Tuesday, January 29, 2013. They couldn't find a heartbeat. Our baby was gone.. Our dreams were smashed. 

My levels kept rising and my tummy kept growing so they thought I had a molar pregnancy. It could be a tumor. I could need chemo. But first I needed an emergency d&c. We were sent straight to the hospital on the day my grandfather passed away. Friday, February 8, 2013.  It all happened so fast that it seemed like one minute we were buying little shoes telling the family we were due in September and the next we were worse off then before pregnancy. We would never be the same.. 

It turned out to not be a molar and remains a mystery as to why my levels got so high. It was an abnormal pregnancy. Kind of like a miscarriage but not. I did not need chemo. 

Today is the day we were due to expect a little baby girl. It was too early to tell the sex but God told us with recurring dreams for both of us and a dream that my mom had confirms it was a girl. Our girl. Our Abigail. She was beautiful. She is beautiful.

This is our last step, after today we will let her go. She is with her family we've lost in heaven being taken care of by her Auntie and was able to greet her great grandpa at the gates days after she arrived. 

I thank God she never had to fall and scrape her knee or get bullied in school. She never had to feel the hurt in a heartbreak, the sting of death, or the sharp knife of a sickness or illness. I thank God she never had to struggle and she got to go to heaven to see everyone we've lost. I just wish I could have held her, seen her face, heard her cry. But she's safe and happy.

Today is the day you were due to join us. Today is the day we let you go. Rest baby girl in the arms of your family and your creator. We will never forget you and will love you unconditionally for eternity. We will meet you in paradise and will hold you when the time is right. We miss you every day but we know that you're safe, happy and loved.

September 15, 2013. 

Another step, another crossroads, another journey….

So after much deliberation, a few more pregnancy and birth announcements, and a couple more buckets of tears, Graham and I were put in a spot where we had to decide what was next for our fertility journey.

We had 3 options the way we looked at it, public adoption, private adoption or in-vitro fertilization. We had decided to not make any choices based on emotion and to attend the public adoption seminar, study the private adoption handbook provided by an agency here, and spend countless hours researching IVF, the procedure and our choices, and the financial aspect of all three options.

First there was public adoption. The price was next to nothing to publicly adopt, and there is financial help from the government, however, the kids are all pretty much ages 6+ as a rule. Granted there are exceptions to every rule, but, over 85% of the kids have been exposed prenatally to drugs and/or alcohol causing sever developmental issues. As first time parents, Graham and I decided that for our first child, public adoption was not for us. For anyone that is considering government adoption, or public adoption, I highly recommend you attend a seminar of sorts if one is made available to you.

Second there was private adoption. This one was hard because we both just want a baby, we don’t care how, just want a baby. In the end we are so wanting the child we lost, or a child of our own if we can. This option is not off the table by any means but simply put on hold for now….

Next was IVF… So, Alberta refuses to play nice and pay for in-vitro, but they are tired of multiple births, so to stop multiple births, and to continue to be so cheap they squeak, they changed the law and only allow one embryo to be transferred for every IVF. So if you end up with 10 embryo’s, doesn’t matter, you get one shot… That scared us off a bit, then they told us since we are young, and im thin and fit, it would “only” be $11,000…

Back to adoption….. or so we thought… So we started looking around… did some more research, some emailing, and some information gathering and found a fertility clinic with state of the art equipment, that caters to international patients, in Cancun, Mexico of all places….

So after even more research we are in the testing process. Next week I go for a bunch of bloodwork to provide to the doctors in Cancun. Also, we are waiting on a call from the Fertility Clinic so I can finish up my tests and get the results and send them over as well.

I’m starting to get super nervous but super excited for the whole process.

If Life Were Like That

First of all, a big happy birthday to my husband, his sister and their mom. Graham and his twin celebrated their 27^th on the 13^th and their mom celebrated on the 14^th. Happy Birthday all. Especially you babe, I hope that this year brings so many blessings for you, for us, and for our future. I know you’re struggling with it a bit but you’re still not old so stop feeling that way!!

These days I just wish I had an easy button. If its not one thing its definitely another. When it rains it pours but isn’t it supposed to be summer and sunny weather now? Oh well onwards and hopefully upwards. As you can probably imagine, Graham and I are not expecting another child yet, despite our best efforts and despite the treatment and fertility drugs that we have had to endure. We are having one more meeting with the fertility clinic to see what they suggest to be next in our journey, and if they suggest IVF I have a feeling we will be severing ties with them and be starting the adoption process.

If that is the case we are left with the decision of do we want to adopt publicly or privately. If we choose privately, which agency do we choose? Do we go with Domestic or International? How much will it cost us in total? We know that we are looking around the $12,000 range however we do not know what hidden costs may cause our total to increase a small amount or will our total be going up tremendously. What are the wait times? If we go publicly what struggles will we be faced with? What will our child have endured prenataly or during their first years of their life. Will they be able to overcome their challenges? Will they have seen abuse? Do they know what love feels like? Will they love us?

We could really use an easy button

Back in the Saddle of Fertility Treatments.

It’s been quite a while since I have updated. I haven’t had much news to share until now.

First off I will start with the small stuff. My dog, Cohen, had this obsession with chewing his foot. The vet and I decided that we should do some experimental stuff before jumping into the expensive stuff. First we did just a cone, after that his foot pussed like crazy and swelled up insane because he couldn’t get to it to chew it. Then we did the cone, a scrub to get rid of the puss and some antibiotics. After those didn’t work we went back to the vet and she advised us to try these anti itch anti inflammatory pills and keep cleaning the paw. She told us that if it didn’t work then we would have to do x-rays, knock him out, and do a biopsy to see whats going on cause it could very likely be cancer. We were pretty scared, cause as you know, our dogs are our babies, and we couldn’t imagine cohen not being around. Anyway… he is officially off the cone, almost done his prescription, has way more energy now, and does NOT chew his paw anymore!! YAY!!!

Now, last month, I felt pregnant, I was late to start my cycle, I was nauseous, dizzy, hungry, had all the same symptoms as last time. When my cycle came I was devastated and ready to give up trying for babies. Graham held me when I cried the morning it came, then called me at work later, after putting some serious thought in, to ask if I would be up to do a treatment at the fertility clinic again.

Graham usually just goes along with what I think we should do, unless he disagrees, but he usually does not ask me to do things like treatments, unless he strongly feels that this is what we should do.

I agreed so I started my prescription of Clomid, a triple dosage of the stuff, and 2 days ago we did the Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). When we did the IUI last time, it wasn’t even 48 hours later that I started feeling severe cramping and heavy bleeding, making the IUI fail, and my reaction was so rare the doctor had never seen it. This time however, I felt extreme pressure and cramping the first night, after a quick google search, I found that this is a really good sign, I guess it means that my body has ovulated more than the normal amount and that the procedure is starting to take its toll. It doesn’t mean it worked yet, and I wont know until the monthly is due to arrive, just like any other pregnancy, but my hopes are high.

We are really anxious, scared, nervous and excited to see if this treatment works and we are praying hard that God let this be our time!!

Please pray that this is our time and that we get a beautiful baby out of this experience, and we finally get to fulfill our dream of being parents.

Update soon with the news!!

Busy Bee

Hey Everyone!

It’s been a busy couple weeks on my end of things. I have been slowly being reached out to by some people on my Facebook with questions about infertility and everything that goes along with it. I know that it is extremely hard to accept and even harder to talk about. If you want someone to talk to, but don’t want to go as far as liking and commenting on an infertility page, please feel free to private message me with any questions or concerns that you have. I will keep it confidential and will help in whatever way I can.

Graham and I went to Ottawa last week to see family there. Our little nephew is getting so big!! He is 1 year and 3 months old and he is in swimming lessons already!! Crazy!! I miss him already but it was such a good visit with everyone there. We managed to sneak in a night in Montreal to have a date and it was beautiful. We sat on patio after patio sipping drinks enjoying the amazing weather. When we got back to the hotel it was 1:30 am and still 21 degrees with no wind. It was perfect for our date. We had a really great visit with my cousin and her husband and got a lot of time to ride the bike. My butt was sore from riding by the end of the week. I flew home on Saturday and Graham has been driving home with his dad, and should arrive Thursday evening. I miss him like crazy, I don’t know how some of the ladies in my life deal with their hubbies being gone for weeks at a time. You women, are very strong women.

I’ve been getting a lot of “when are you guys going to start trying for babies again” type of questions. I just want to say that Graham and I will never stop trying, even if we aren’t actively trying on a specific month, we won’t use protection, so we won’t stop trying. This question is quite hard on me because I feel like we are back to our first year of trying and that the last 3.5 years are gone. It’s been over three and a half years since we’ve started trying for children so please take that as an answer. I’m sorry if I sound rude, or ignorant but these last months have been the hardest months ever and on top of everything with my grandpa dying, and other family members dying as well, and losing our baby, we have had a lot of very personal issues. I have been doing my best to fight through and keep smiling and I feel like I’m almost out of the tunnel, I survived Mother’s day, thinking about little Abigail through the whole day, and only let myself cry at night. I have survived the heartbreak every month since losing her, and sent prayers up every day for another child, and Graham has been holding my hand, fighting the same fight, just as hard as I have. We are healing, we will never forget and we will never stop trying. So to answer your question, when are we going to start trying again, the answer is September, 2009 is when we started trying.

Last, but certainly not least, I would like to shout out a BIG congratulations to two very special ladies in my life. First of all Congratulations to Carla on the birth of her sweet baby boy, Bradley Charles Keats, born at 11:24 on May 7, 2013, both Mommy and Baby are healthy and happy and at home comfortably. Second… and this one is huge… as you know I run an infertility page on Facebook with an amazing woman in St. Louis, Missouri, named Lindsay. Lindsay and her husband have been trying to conceive for 3 years and were told that having children naturally, without the help of a fertility treatment, would not be an option. I am very very happy to announce that my good friend, and founder of the page, The Dream of Being Called Mommy and Daddy, is expecting their first child in November, conceived naturally. Prayers are with them, and especially her, during this pregnancy and I pray that everything goes as normal and smoothly as possible.

I am Infertile, Deal with it!

So this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW!! I run an infertility page with my dear friend Lindsay and we have been doing a different "theme" every day. Its quite fun and inspirational with all of the good advice, sayings, tattoos and stories that have come to light this week with all the new likes on our page and comments and pictures.

I was told once that I need to stop saying that we are infertile because we were expecting a baby at one point.... I was pained by this because I found that as painful as infertility is, it has led me to some powerful things. It has helped me become much closer with God and has allowed me to watch as my wonderful husband has been turning into such a man of God. He is so strong and is my rock and its amazing to see him gain strength, love, and trust in God and by God.

Early pregnancy loss is just as painful as never conceiving and infertility is trying to conceive unsuccessfully for a year. We tried for 3.5 years before conceiving, and we lost it at 7 weeks. We are infertile and I will not be quiet about that. Im sure that if we dug our heels down and pushed hard we would find a reason as to why we haven't been able to conceive or why we lost the baby so early. However, we have a marriage, not just an infertile relationship. We are taking it day by day, loving each other more and more. Living in our marriage and trusting in God.

I have found a "place" almost. I love running that page and love helping in anyway that I can. I love the people I have been in contact with over the last year and how close I have become with the amazing people that I have met through that page.

I love Lindsay. That girl has been my best friend next to my husband and has shared my most private meltdowns and happiest of times. She has cried when I've cried, and laughed when I have laughed. She has picked me up when I needed it and she could always tell, even through something as small as an email, when I needed to talk. I will always be greatful to God for bringing us together when we are so far apart.

I'm told over and over again that the reason we cant conceive is because we get stressed. I'm sorry to tell you this, but stress has no factor! Although infertility is very stressful according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, there is no proof that stress is a factor of infertility. http://www.asrm.org/Stress_and_Infertility_factsheet/

I am Infertile, I know that makes you uncomfortable, but I am, and I will never forget the struggle of this journey and the amazing people and experiences that have come with it.

Deal with it.

The Hard Road to Recovery

I have been drafting this entry for a couple of days now..

I am reaching a point where im wondering, realizing, and coming to grips with the fact that our dream, may be just that, a dream and nothing more. I would give anything to have a child, anything except my marriage, so with that in mind I am going to stop focusing on the baby so much and start living our child free life again. Thinking maybe get another animal or something, wonder how my dog would do with that.

I know what a few of you are saying to yourselves right now “it’s only been 2 months since your surgery, give it time!” I get that but you didn’t see what I saw on the monitor. The fetus turned into a huge mass that almost filled my uterus. It took 3.5 years to conceive and when we did it turned into a mass… an abnormal pregnancy… not a molar though, nor a miscarriage… just abnormal. This gets my head swirling, what if it takes another 3.5 years and what if it comes out to be another abnormal pregnancy? Will I ever be able to carry a child, carry it to term, and have a healthy child? Are we really up for actively trying for another 3.5 years? Or should we maybe just keep travelling, living our lives, enjoy the childless life.

I can’t give up the fact that something feels like its missing though, I can’t help but cry every time someone tells me they are having a girl or a boy, I can’t help but question why when someone announces their pregnancy, their birth, or their child’s latest accomplishment. I can’t help but feel so empty inside when I think about our child and our loss.

I don’t want to see a counselor because really, when I see a counselor I end up doing their job, explain what’s wrong, explain why, and what I should do, they sit there quietly and say “that’s a good idea…” well thanks I could just talk to my family, friends or husband about this instead then. I find that talking about it helps but everyone has their own problems so I don’t want to dump my issues on them… So I’ll post here. I know that not many people read this blog but the people that do, seem to care about how I’m doing, without waiting on me to reach out to them to make sure they know how I’m doing.

If you feel you want to talk with me, then please, do, I could use the support, but I don’t want to dump on others during their troubled times so Im sorry but I will not reach out to you to make sure that you know that I need someone… This is my reaching out… take it as that please.  If this offends you that I am not personally seeking you out, I revert back to my first blog post, this is my no nonsense zone, this is my time for me and if you don’t like what I post then I apologize that you are offended but I refuse to filter here, this is my get away, my space, and my thoughts and feelings.

My Dearest Abigail...

Happy Wednesday Everyone!!

“Each Friend Represents A World In Us, A world Possible Not Born Until They Arrive” – Anais Nin.

I am not going to go into the semantics of what has happened or what has come around but this loss of my child had changed my life dramatically. First off child hood friend of 20 years? She’s back in my life, thank god. Really Thank God. He has opened my eyes to so very much and made me realize my actions as she has realized hers. We have been able to talk like adults with the strength the lord has given us and we are mending things and working on our relationship. Reasons that will go unsaid here were spoken and steps have been taken to make sure that those reasons don’t “pop” up again. My whole world, friends and all, have been turned upside down, backward and spun on its side. It’s been a whirlwind. Each friend represents a world in us… some worlds are deeper than others, some are supportive, some are just there…. I have had the pleasure of having this all laid out clear as day on the table through the hardest times.

As always, I miss our little girl, but I got a call from the doctors assistant that my levels are back to normal and there will be no need for Chemo. Praising God for not only letting the healing time be extremely fast but also sparing me from chemo. Thank you. We still see the doctor on Monday to get the “official” word but we should be able to start trying for another child very soon. Praying this time it won’t take 3.5 years to conceive and that God provides us with another child soon.

I wrote a letter, something I have been working on for weeks, to my little girl and I don’t know what to do with it so I thought I would share it here for you all to read..

My Dearest Abigail,

My heart aches every time I think of you, so my heart aches every second of every minute of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t miss you and not a prayer of mine is whispered that isn’t for you. You are so beautiful and so lucky to be in the arms of Jesus and I thank God that you do not have to suffer the pain of this world, that your heart will never be broken, that you will never be hurt.

The day that we found out that you were going to join our lives was the best day ever for your Dad and I. We were so happy and cried tears of joy for hours all the while thanking God for you. You made our world complete and our little family was about to grow. We told your aunts, uncles and grandparents that we were expecting you and your cousins were very excited to be getting another cousin. I had my silent moments, as you know, to pray my prayers of thanks for you and I held my little belly as often as I could so I could feel closer to you.

The day you left my womb and went to go spend forever with Jesus was the hardest day of my life. We were, and still are, so heart broken and couldn’t understand it. We know that you are watching us and you are surrounded by family. I like to think that since you left us so close to the time that your Great Grandfather left us that you went running up to him in heaven and that he knew exactly who you were. I don’t know what to do baby girl, I miss you so much. I pray that God gives us another baby soon and that we don’t have to wait the wait we waited for you again. No one could ever replace you Angel but we are missing you so much.

I am thanking God for using the loss of you in so many ways for the better. He has re-united us with people who have left our lives and has shown us the truth in so many others. He has been working on us sweetheart, and we have to thank you, and your death, for that. I wish we didn’t have to endure such a heart breaking moment to see the truth and the light but God uses any moment he can to show us himself. Look at your daddy for instance, he is such a strong man but still is relying on God to help him through this horrible time.

This isn’t a goodbye letter, I could never say goodbye to you, but this is my one and only letter. It’s time to start the healing emotionally as it has healed physically. I miss you so much and I will never forget you but I need to start to try to be happy again.

I will forever be your mommy, as you will forever be the one in our hearts.

I love you unconditionally

Love always,

Mom.

Fork in the Road

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you just take a look back and decide its time to change some things? Time to work on yourself and your future?

It’s like a switch is flipped and all of a sudden you find yourself bored and distancing away from the people that once meant the most to you and you find yourself looking at your life, and your problems, and your situation and you decide you’ve had enough and now is the time for you.

That’s where I am at. I have had the most AMAZING support system these last months and I will forever cherish those people that reached out and helped me through my worst times and rest assured those people will always be in my life and can count on me for the love and support that they have shown me as well.

Those times, however, have made me realize that life is about so much more than who said what to who, why and when. Those times are so much more than being there for someone when you know they wont be there for you. Anyway some changes are in the works… BIG changes… and I refuse to let my past control my future. I am working on me now and fixing myself emotionally, spiritually and in the end physically. Those of you who know me, really know me, know that I will always need you and count on you for support as I will always be there for you and support you but there are some people that have helped form me to become who I am and to get to this point but our time is finished. I will always care for you, cherish what we had, but its time to move one.

Its time for me.

What Infertiles Say v. What they mean!

Happy Thursday everyone!! Only one more day then its TGIF!!

So im in a great mood today which is making me want to make you all laugh.

So today is “What Infertile People Say/What They Really Mean!”

What we say:

You better tell me the second you get pregnant

What we mean:

You better not get pregnant before me

What we say:

OMG im so happy for you! When are you due?

What we mean:

How long do I need to hide your pregnancy updates from my facebook

What we say:

Do you have names picked out?

What we mean:

You better not steal my name!

What we say:

No this infertility thing has brought us so much closer its almost a blessing

What we mean:

We hate this journey but hate your advice even more so im going to say something positive to shut you up.

What we say:

The great thing is we get to travel a lot and go on dates and spend time just the 2 of us

What we mean:

We need a vacation or alone time in order to get away from the doctors, the treatments, and the horrible horrible advice that everyone gives.

What we say:

Just be glad you didn’t have to pay thousands to get pregnant

What we mean:

You know my situation stop bitching about being pregnant to me!

What we say:

Im so glad you never had to go through the struggles of infertility

What we mean:

I feel so alone in this.

What we say:

No im fine really. That post wasn’t for me really. It was just for the other infertiles on the page

What we mean:

GO AWAY and let me talk to people who know what im talking about. I NEED TO VENT TOO!!

What we say:

Oh really? Yeah imagine if that 6 months were stretched into 3 years.

What we mean:

You have no idea how I feel. So it took you 6 months to conceive. Big Freakin Whoop. Try 3 years of endless heartbreak and trampled hopes. Then talk to me!

Feel free to add if you think of any! Great for a laugh for us infertiles!!!

Myleen Ring | Legal Assistant to Stephanie D. Whyte

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The aftermath

Before I get into anything I have a request, please pray for Graham and I. We are only doing as good as we can be but we are far from OK and over this tragedy.

It’s almost been three and a half weeks since we were told we were miscarrying and there was no heartbeat, 3 weeks since we were told that my levels were rising and there was still hope, two weeks since my surgery, two weeks since my grandfather’s death, and 2 months of an emotional roller coaster from the point we found that we were finally expecting after 3.5 years until now, dealing with weekly testing, and the after effects of a molar pregnancy.

I had my first blood work done yesterday and booked my follow – up appointment forMonday, April 1, 2013. That is when I will find out how far we’ve come along with my levels and how much further we have to go. That is when we can ask whatever questions we have and then figure things out.

Until then I am trying my hardest to not Google anything and to just go day by day. Some days are much better than others. Some days I am doing ok and have a smile on my face and feeling great. Other days I just want to crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep and sleep away the day. Other days I’m just angry. Angry that it took 3.5 years to conceive and that we had to deal with infertility in the first place, angry that our baby’s heart stopped, angry that I had the beginnings of a tumor, angry that were not allowed to try to conceive for a while. Angry that this all has happened to us.

I actually came across another lady who has gone through this recently. I will not go into detail of when, who, or what happened, however, it is nice to know that I am not the only one out there that is dealing with the grieving process and whatever other emotions that have come with this whole situation.

Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing support system and could not ask for better. My family has been amazing through all of this. I have been able to lean on any one of them whenever I need, this includes my blood family and the amazing family that I married into. My husband has been nothing but supportive, loving, caring and understanding to all my emotions, random mood swings, and my break downs. He is going through the emotions as much as I am so we are holding hands and fighting through this together. The girls from the Facebook page “The Dream of Being Called Mommy and Daddy” have been very busy checking up on me to make sure I’m ok and I pray for them every day and thank god for them, my husband and my family every day. It’s just nice to know someone else out there dealt with infertility, then a molar pregnancy, then everything that goes along with that.

Expectant happiness may turn to unexpected devastation

swear one day I am going to get this blogging thing down and start posting on a weekly basis.

So again, a ton to tell you.

Since my last post, my childhood friend and I have completely severed ties and went our separate ways. There were no words of parting or no tearful good bye and no rhyme or reason, however, the friendship I thought would never end, ended. In the scheme of things that’s nothing compared to what I have been through in the last month.

My last post was on January 8, 2013, on January 10, 2013 we had  found out that after 3.5 years of trying, my Dear Husband and I found out we were expecting our first child!! We were so excited and I was a little freaked out at a number of things. I was terrified of a miscarriage and diligently took my vitamins and Googled everything that I could or couldn’t do, eat or couldn’t eat. I was determined to be the best pregnant lady ever and bring a healthy child into this world. I was eating everything in sight, my boobs were growing (yay!) as was my perfect little baby bump. I had gained 6 lbs in a month alone and was a little scared I would never loose all the weight again, which would be absolutely nothing in comparison to the joy I would have being a mommy. We were on cloud no. 9 and nothing could bring us down!!

Nothing could prepare us for the month we were about to face…

On January 11, 2013 I received a phone call from my mom. It was the day of my distant cousin’s funeral and my family was hurting. As I did not know him well, I was praying for the healing of my family to be quick, and the mourning to be short. That afternoon my mom called to tell me my grandfather had been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. As crushed as I was, I was so thankful to be bringing a life into the family after this recent development and on January 20, 2013, I said goodbye to my grandfather for the last time. We told him our wonderful news and visited about the weather when I hugged him tight and told him I loved him one last time. I will never ever forget his hug when he said “I love you too”.

January 28, 2013, I started spotting and cramping. I had spotted a bit before but after research I had thought nothing of it. When I started spotting again I was 7 weeks 2 days pregnant. We went to the doctor that evening he seemed concerned and sent us to go get an ultrasound followed by bloodwork the very next day to make sure the baby was ok. We took the day off work and went for an ultrasound. They had scanned my belly for a while then did an internal scan, after what seemed like a life time, they brought my husband into the room. The doctor sat us down and told us they could not find a heartbeat and to follow up with bloodwork but he is 99.9% sure that we were suffering a miscarriage. We were heartbroken.

I went to my general practitioner the next day when he told us the baby had measured 7 weeks 3 days and that once he has the bloodwork back we will plan a course of action on whats next. That Friday, the 26^th, I received a call that my levels were rising! In a miscarriage they should have been dropping drastically. He sent me for even more bloodwork! After he received the results we went to see him on January 28 where he said I was a mystery as my levels were still in fact rising! We were overjoyed that maybe they just didn’t see the heartbeat but our child was in fact alive and well!

January 29, 2013, we were nervous but excited to see our child! After another long ultrasound the doctor again sat us down and told us, there is no baby, there is no heartbeat, and my uterus was filled with tissue. We had, what they call, a Molar pregnancy. On Friday morning my husband was driving me to work when we received news that my Grandfather had passed away. Not even a month after being diagnosed he was pulled off this earth and into the arms of Jesus and his wife after 16 years of being apart. I was crushed and didn’t know how to feel or what to do. We had a doctors appointment that night so that day I just went to work.

That night we decided we would have a date night and prepare a nice dinner and spend some time together after our doctors appointment. We left to go see the doctor to confirm when he told us the specialist needed to perform an emergency D&C and get this mass out of me, I was not to eat, drink or even go home. I was sent directly to the ER. I felt like we were killing our child, even though it was killing me, I did not want to let it go.

The chances of a molar pregnancy happening in a Caucasian woman in North America is 0.02% - 0.83%. The chances of it happening are higher in countries such as Southeast Asia, Northeast Asia, Mexico and the Philippines. The chances of it happening again are 0.5-2.5%.

Honestly I am unsure of how to feel at this point but I knew I could not keep this bottled up inside of me any longer. One thing I have learnt is to trust my instincts, when I started spotting everyone told me its normal and to not worry. Everyone said I shouldn’t need to go to the doctors. If I wouldn’t have gone to the doctors, my first ultrasound would have been 20 weeks pregnant. I would have thought everything was normal and I would have been very busy shopping and setting up a room for our little bundle of joy, my whole world would have ended because not only would I have had a molar pregnancy but, chances are, it would have developed into a cancerous tumor causing me to have a full hysterectomy and never have the chance to have children of my own. Needless to say, I’m dealing with a ton of emotions lately, happy, sad, devastated, mourning, weak, strong, broken, etc.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and remember to please please trust your instincts!!

A life span is nothing in the light of things

Happy New Year

Apparently I’m no good at this blogging thing. I don’t really do it for the blogging so much to just get stuff off my mind and into the online world, I think this is more like a public diary for me than a blog. I am not worried about building an audience, nor am I looking for the comments, suggestions or whatever. I just every now and then need to get it out.

First I think I will do an update on me and Graham and what’s going on. We still do not have our precious bundle of joy but we are getting so excited because as soon as we can we are doing more treatments. With these treatments I am getting fertility chiropractor adjustments, fertility massages and am taking a cocktail of vitamins so my body has all the necessary levels in order to hold a child.

Not only that but I am slowly building up photography clients and am, hopefully, going to be very busy within the next few months.

And… Last but certainly not least… I just found out one of my VERY BEST FRIENDS is coming to visit me in May. I’m so stoked and CAN NOT WAIT FOR MAY!!

Update on my friend that was in the accident, he is now back home and out of the hospital which I am SO happy for them. He is in therapy and there is hope that he will get 98% usage of his arms back which would be spectacular. 

Now this is what I needed to get off my chest.

So in my last post I mentioned that an old friend of mine is pregnant, although I'm still happy for her I'm pretty upset. Im not upset because she's pregnant or that I'm infertile, I'm upset at the way she's handled this. She has completely cut off a 20 year friendship without so much as a boo to me. In the past 6 months or so she has not spoken to me if I haven't messaged her first. when i have she hasn't said to much to me unless its been about her pregnancy. She hasn't spoken a whisper to me since i'd say September, MAYBE october latest. She didn't say happy birthday or merry christmas, not only that she has ignored my attempts at making this relationship continue and misled my mom when she spoke to her about it. Now I found out, through a picture on Facebook, that she decided to go with the baby name that my hubby and I have chose for a girl. In all fairness they chose that name too but she knows what that name is to me and how it is my piece of hope. Im very upset at how she has handled everything. Im not even that upset that she is using the name but more so that after 20 years I'm not worth the respect to let me know why we are no longer friends, especially when i reached out, and call me out on my shit if i did something to upset her! I just don't understand!

I can’t help but think that she ended our friendship on the basis that she is having a baby and I cannot. Which, I think, in her mind that meant we were on completely different levels and she is in a way further spot in life than I am now… which also hurts because when I got married I did not end our friendship just because she was just dating… It is just killing me that my best friend of 20 years is no longer even an acquaintance. I feel like I'm going through a horrible break-up where the other person has not one shred of a thought of me or a speck of care.

Anyway. If she is reading this or not, this is how I feel, and I vowed that this blog would be something I didn’t hold back in. It’s my escape from my thoughts and my way to talk it out, even if the other person wants nothing to do with me, or even if I have no one to talk it out to..