Christmas Time Blues

Usually I’m so excited to celebrate Christmas. I get my tree up first thing on December 1 every year. I hang the stockings, the mistletoe. I love to shop for the gifts and love how they look under the tree. I look forward to the parties, the celebrations, the gatherings, the food, and church. Yup I look forward to church because I feel God move in me like no other time but at Christmas. This year… My tree is up but the ornaments are not hung, the stockings are still packed, the mistle toe is at the bottom of a box. The gifts are bought but not wrapped or under the tree. There aren’t many smiles or laughs. We’re trying hard to keep it together. Or at least I am. I keep thinking I should be exhausted, sleep deprived, frustrated, yet overwhelmed with love for the little girl in my arms. I should have spit up on my clothes, in my hair, and I should live in sweat pants. I should be buying cute Christmas dresses and “Babies First Christmas” onesies. I should be extremely excited to introduce our little one to Grahams family as we all gather at his parents place for Christmas. Now the “She’s so cute!” and “she has your eyes and Grahams nose” will not be said. The “Congratulations” will be directed elsewhere, and the term “parent” does not apply to us, once again. We will know that we don’t know what its like to have kids, or how hard they are to raise, and we will feel the sting of the knife through our hearts every time. We will pray our little girl is having an amazing first Christmas, and beg God to please hold her, since we cant. I was doing really really good. I was so happy, so grateful for everything I had, so full of love for my life, my family and friends, my husband and our marriage. Then the Christmas season hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like its ok to break every now and then, especially when you know you can be happy again, and I was, and I will, but until then I ask for prayer. I ask that God overwhelm me with love for the blessings he’s given me. I pray that next year is so much better than this year was, I pray that we finally finally get to feel what its like to be parents next Christmas. I pray that this infertility journey finally ends with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I pray that God grants me patience and understanding and love and compassion as everyone has their own journey, their own story, their own problems. I pray that God helps me remember that I am not the only one suffering. I just pray.