Its the last day of 2017 and I can't help but reflect on the last year, as so many of us do on this day. Its been a bit of a whirlwind but a year that has made us stronger and happier. Lessons were learned, memories were made and I wouldn't change a thing.
How things can change in one years time.
A year ago, we still had a baby, now that baby turns 2 in January.
A year ago, we had 2 less nieces and now, both of Graham's siblings have beautiful daughters.
A year ago all of our nieces and nephews were minors and now one has turned 18 and moved out. Everyone aged a year and I thank God every day that we are all still here.
A year ago I had never met 2 people I talk to constantly. Two of the few amazing women who have helped me through our infertility journey, who continue to help. Now one of those women is planning a trip to Canada to see me because one year of not seeing each other has just been too long.
A year ago we entered the New Year with hopes and dreams of bringing another baby into the family this year. Now we see the fertility specialist in a few weeks because those dreams didn't pan out as planned.
A year ago we had acquaintances with some, and strong friendships with other. Now those acquaintances are our best friends and those strong friendships even stronger. A year ago we had people who had left our lives and now they are back due to circumstances in life that has brought us back together.
A year ago I didn't know what to expect for 2017 and now its over. In an instant, and a lifetime, this year draws to a close. There are a few moments that are more clear in my memory than others. Some I wish I could forget, some I hope never dissipate.
I am entering 2018 with a happy heart and a clear mind. I have no regrets of the past and plenty of hope for the future. I carry no pain, but remember the lessons that were learnt. I learned that friends can quickly become family and family doesn't always mean friends. I learned its ok to stand up for what I believe in, even if that means it may cause drama and arguments. I have learned to pick my battles and that sometimes its just easier to let it go, whether is be a situation or a person.
My thoughts and prayers for 2018 are that all of my friends and family have an amazing year. An unforgettable, extremely blessed, fully of laughs year. I pray this for those who are reading this, and those who won't.
Sunday, 31 December 2017
Wednesday, 11 October 2017
Volume 2.. Here we go again
There’s an age old question after you have a child… “When are you going to give that baby a sibling?”... The sibling. Someone for that little bundle that you worked so hard to get to play with. A friend for life.
I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer. I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.
A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”
That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.
This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.
The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”
Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.
It’s been one year.
I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer. I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.
A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”
That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.
This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.
The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”
Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.
It’s been one year.
Friday, 19 February 2016
Life as I knew it ended... Then started again
A year ago today I wrote a post, a post about our journey to become parents. A post that describes the ups and the downs and the constant mind changes emotions and events of infertility and the beginnins of in vitro fertilization.
A year ago today I felt at peace I felt that I was no longer in control and I was just following the path that was being laid out for us. I was scared, I was excited, I was nervous and I was anxious but I never thought that in one year I would be laying in bed with a pink baby blanket beside me, a portable swing off to the side of my bed and a beautiful little girl to call our own.
This was not an easy journey.
If you go back to my previous posts you can read about the struggles of the process of in vitro. You can read about our previous pregnancy loss, you can read about my emotional breakdowns you can read about my strength and my strong days. You can read about all of that stuff but life as I knew it has ended.
Everyone told me that everything was going to change when we had the baby. Everyone told me to enjoy my life well I could because when this baby would come it would change everything. The way people describe this made it sound like our lives were basically over when we have this baby and that the baby would ruin everything. No one described it as a good thing. We were advised to say goodbye to our sleep say goodbye to our freedom say goodbye to our sex life say goodbye to our fun,
They were right in the sense that everything changed only because nothing really changed at all. Nothing changed except for everything that I am, that we are. Our house is the same, our friends are the same, our activities remain the same, our humor, our interests are the same. But I don't feel the same. Realistically nothing really changed but my whole being. When that beautiful little girl came out of me I changed. I became a mom and I have never ever known love like I know for that girl. I am never ever felt what I feel for that tiny little being. This Philly is something that is indescribable. I can try and lay out the words I can try and put it in fancy writing. I can try and describe to you what the term mama bear actually means but you will never understand unless you feel it.
Actually quite crazy this ride called parenthood. I know I am only a month in but it feels like my life is so empty before she came. I didn't realize how much we needed her and how much she brings to our lives. It's funny they say babies at this stage just eat sleep and cry but our little girl is so curious. She always tries to find a window to look at or something blue to discover. She smiles. She makes eye contact with me and smiles this is by far the hardest job I have ever had to do but when she looks at me and smiles I know I'm doing something right.
I love my husband more than anything but seeing him be her daddy has made me love him more than I ever thought possible. Another indescribable feeling is my love for him and watching him be such a natural, amazing, wonderful father has made me fall in love with him all over again.
It's quite crazy this journey called life. I never knew a life could end up without the heart stopping its beat and begin again without a last breath been taken. This is exactly what happened to me. My life ended on January 18, 2016 at 1:47 AM and began again at 1:48 AM when Amelia joined our world. When people said everything was going to change no one said that I would change and I cannot tell you who I was I can't even tell you who I am because everything that is happened has changed me so dramatically that again it is indescribable. Life as I knew it had ended and life as I know it has begun. I am so excited to see where God brings me on this path!!
A year ago today I felt at peace I felt that I was no longer in control and I was just following the path that was being laid out for us. I was scared, I was excited, I was nervous and I was anxious but I never thought that in one year I would be laying in bed with a pink baby blanket beside me, a portable swing off to the side of my bed and a beautiful little girl to call our own.
This was not an easy journey.
If you go back to my previous posts you can read about the struggles of the process of in vitro. You can read about our previous pregnancy loss, you can read about my emotional breakdowns you can read about my strength and my strong days. You can read about all of that stuff but life as I knew it has ended.
Everyone told me that everything was going to change when we had the baby. Everyone told me to enjoy my life well I could because when this baby would come it would change everything. The way people describe this made it sound like our lives were basically over when we have this baby and that the baby would ruin everything. No one described it as a good thing. We were advised to say goodbye to our sleep say goodbye to our freedom say goodbye to our sex life say goodbye to our fun,
They were right in the sense that everything changed only because nothing really changed at all. Nothing changed except for everything that I am, that we are. Our house is the same, our friends are the same, our activities remain the same, our humor, our interests are the same. But I don't feel the same. Realistically nothing really changed but my whole being. When that beautiful little girl came out of me I changed. I became a mom and I have never ever known love like I know for that girl. I am never ever felt what I feel for that tiny little being. This Philly is something that is indescribable. I can try and lay out the words I can try and put it in fancy writing. I can try and describe to you what the term mama bear actually means but you will never understand unless you feel it.
Actually quite crazy this ride called parenthood. I know I am only a month in but it feels like my life is so empty before she came. I didn't realize how much we needed her and how much she brings to our lives. It's funny they say babies at this stage just eat sleep and cry but our little girl is so curious. She always tries to find a window to look at or something blue to discover. She smiles. She makes eye contact with me and smiles this is by far the hardest job I have ever had to do but when she looks at me and smiles I know I'm doing something right.
I love my husband more than anything but seeing him be her daddy has made me love him more than I ever thought possible. Another indescribable feeling is my love for him and watching him be such a natural, amazing, wonderful father has made me fall in love with him all over again.
It's quite crazy this journey called life. I never knew a life could end up without the heart stopping its beat and begin again without a last breath been taken. This is exactly what happened to me. My life ended on January 18, 2016 at 1:47 AM and began again at 1:48 AM when Amelia joined our world. When people said everything was going to change no one said that I would change and I cannot tell you who I was I can't even tell you who I am because everything that is happened has changed me so dramatically that again it is indescribable. Life as I knew it had ended and life as I know it has begun. I am so excited to see where God brings me on this path!!
Thursday, 22 October 2015
From overwhelming happiness to never ending grief...
From tears of happiness and overwhelming joy to wretched sobs and never ending grief in a matter of moments.
Its fascinating how life can changed from one instance to the next. One second everything is in perfect working order and "everyone is set" then the world falls apart in a split second, a dust particle in time but changes the form of a future for everyone involved.
Words are spoken, feelings are felt and people are left behind. Smiles become rare, laughter unfathomable and joy is not remembered. Sorrow takes place and tears are the new memory. Every happy moment has a little bit of devastation and every sad moment is nothing in comparison.
An angel is watching us and God is holding us but our minds are controlling us. Taking us to dark places, to unimaginable pain, to selfish sorrows. We start to feel personally attacked, this was done to hurt us. We question everything. Relationships, friendships, lovers and life. Everything feels different.
A person never knows how much they truly impact lives until they are suddenly ripped away. The love surrounding one being is overwhelmingly strong and suddenly it doesn't know where to go, where to pour its unending support.
You grieve, you grieve for your loss, you grieve for your regrets and you grieve for your future. You're feeling as if you've been robbed. You've been robbed of your happy moments, your big moments, your life as it will never be the same.
You grieve for your child that will never know that amazing soul, you grieve for your spouse and pray they will one day be ok. You grieve for yourself, selfish moments, stolen memories, and future hopes of that loss.
You grieve for those times you pictured in the future. Those times you could see that person holding your child crying tears of joy as she looks upon your child's face. You miss memories that haven't happened and you're angry because they never will. You're filled with rage at the situation, that one moment, that dust particle in time.
Its astounding how a split second can change your whole world, your future and your family.
From overwhelming happiness to never ending grief...
Its fascinating how life can changed from one instance to the next. One second everything is in perfect working order and "everyone is set" then the world falls apart in a split second, a dust particle in time but changes the form of a future for everyone involved.
Words are spoken, feelings are felt and people are left behind. Smiles become rare, laughter unfathomable and joy is not remembered. Sorrow takes place and tears are the new memory. Every happy moment has a little bit of devastation and every sad moment is nothing in comparison.
An angel is watching us and God is holding us but our minds are controlling us. Taking us to dark places, to unimaginable pain, to selfish sorrows. We start to feel personally attacked, this was done to hurt us. We question everything. Relationships, friendships, lovers and life. Everything feels different.
A person never knows how much they truly impact lives until they are suddenly ripped away. The love surrounding one being is overwhelmingly strong and suddenly it doesn't know where to go, where to pour its unending support.
You grieve, you grieve for your loss, you grieve for your regrets and you grieve for your future. You're feeling as if you've been robbed. You've been robbed of your happy moments, your big moments, your life as it will never be the same.
You grieve for your child that will never know that amazing soul, you grieve for your spouse and pray they will one day be ok. You grieve for yourself, selfish moments, stolen memories, and future hopes of that loss.
You grieve for those times you pictured in the future. Those times you could see that person holding your child crying tears of joy as she looks upon your child's face. You miss memories that haven't happened and you're angry because they never will. You're filled with rage at the situation, that one moment, that dust particle in time.
Its astounding how a split second can change your whole world, your future and your family.
From overwhelming happiness to never ending grief...
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Hope after Hopeless
I can feel you move inside me, kicking your little toes, stretching your little body and playing around as you grow.
I can feel the hope within me that I will see your gorgeous face, this gift of life that's given by God and all his grace.
I wont soon forget I struggled all the pain and all the fear. The hopes and dreams were broken when we weren't sure our time was near.
I would pray and I would listen but the answer seemed so far. I would cry and I would crumble when this life would seem so hard.
We would try and we would try, with my legs above my head, but through the counting, the trying the pain the dreams all seemed but dead.
We sought help of doctors, acupuncture, herbs and more but the more we tried the harder the fall when it crumbled to the floor.
After so much prayer and devotion, and time spent away from it all, we decided to try once more praying to God "It's all your call".
We thought we'd maybe adopt, from the system with so many kids. But very quickly realized this plan of ours wasn't his.
We thought we'd adopt private and have a baby to call our own, but delay and fears made us realize this wasn't the road to be sewn.
We spent more time discussing, praying and begging clues, when we looked at each other hopeless and said "what have we got to loose?"
We decided to give it to God, the finances, stress and hope. He supplied the money, the peace and special ways to help us cope.
We did the fundraising, the needles, the drugs and went along with all the steps. We said a little prayer, and left it in his hands to rest.
The prayer that surrounded us was overwhelming to say the least, but through the support, the love, the prayer, we saw the little heart beat.
I'll never forget the struggle, the guilt is very real, guilt for or leaving those struggling as we enter to this tale.
Infertility has taught us lessons, gave us life, and so much worth. It built strength, gave us pain and blessed us more than cursed.
So I sit here feeling the baby stretch and play within my womb. I rub my tummy and tell it stories of the things we overcame.
To get to this place we're at now, 20 weeks over and 20 to go. We are planning to find what you are, a little bub or little babe, little boy or little girl.
To the angel babies in heaven and the ones that are in our arms, know that you are loved, so very much so very far.
To those of you still struggling, please don't think I'll forget. I'll always know the struggle and am here to cry and vent.
We will always be understanding, supporting and sensitive and always be available for what advice that we can give.
I can feel the hope within me that I will see your gorgeous face, this gift of life that's given by God and all his grace.
I wont soon forget I struggled all the pain and all the fear. The hopes and dreams were broken when we weren't sure our time was near.
I would pray and I would listen but the answer seemed so far. I would cry and I would crumble when this life would seem so hard.
We would try and we would try, with my legs above my head, but through the counting, the trying the pain the dreams all seemed but dead.
We sought help of doctors, acupuncture, herbs and more but the more we tried the harder the fall when it crumbled to the floor.
After so much prayer and devotion, and time spent away from it all, we decided to try once more praying to God "It's all your call".
We thought we'd maybe adopt, from the system with so many kids. But very quickly realized this plan of ours wasn't his.
We thought we'd adopt private and have a baby to call our own, but delay and fears made us realize this wasn't the road to be sewn.
We spent more time discussing, praying and begging clues, when we looked at each other hopeless and said "what have we got to loose?"
We decided to give it to God, the finances, stress and hope. He supplied the money, the peace and special ways to help us cope.
We did the fundraising, the needles, the drugs and went along with all the steps. We said a little prayer, and left it in his hands to rest.
The prayer that surrounded us was overwhelming to say the least, but through the support, the love, the prayer, we saw the little heart beat.
I'll never forget the struggle, the guilt is very real, guilt for or leaving those struggling as we enter to this tale.
Infertility has taught us lessons, gave us life, and so much worth. It built strength, gave us pain and blessed us more than cursed.
So I sit here feeling the baby stretch and play within my womb. I rub my tummy and tell it stories of the things we overcame.
To get to this place we're at now, 20 weeks over and 20 to go. We are planning to find what you are, a little bub or little babe, little boy or little girl.
To the angel babies in heaven and the ones that are in our arms, know that you are loved, so very much so very far.
To those of you still struggling, please don't think I'll forget. I'll always know the struggle and am here to cry and vent.
We will always be understanding, supporting and sensitive and always be available for what advice that we can give.
Friday, 10 July 2015
Worries and Fears - 12 weeks
After a long wait, a hard loss and so much heartbreak it is hard to let go of all worry, fear and pain when everything you've been dreaming for is finally coming true. You are happy but you wait, you wait for that day you wake up and feel nothing... you wait for the bad news... you wait for your world to crash around you because that is what you are used too.
To walk into that appointment hand in hand with my husband I was trying to put on a brave face, an excited face but I was trembling inside. Scared out of my wits that they would put that monitor on my belly and have a straight face and inform us that they need to get the doctor and there is no heartbeat... this was my fear...
Sometimes I need to understand, or be reminded rather, that God is much bigger than my fears... as soon as we got that monitor on my belly that baby moved... and moved and moved... and she/he waved to us as we watched her/him move in my belly. The tech zoomed in and showed us that little heartbeat, counted the fingers, showed us its cute little feet and how it crossed its ankles to get comfortable... She showed us her/his little bladder and how it was as full as mine and when I was able to use the washroom baby stretched out, finally happy to be having the room it needs to move around.
Words can not describe the feeling that I am having right now as I sit here and relive the moment. It amazing how in that moment, that second I saw our little girl/boy move all of my worries just disappeared and I was overwhelmed with love for our unborn, but beautiful miracle from God.
I have been accused of not being as happy as I should be, I have been terrified this would not be as it was, and although, given our past, I had reason to be scared, I had nothing to worry about. God's got this.
To walk into that appointment hand in hand with my husband I was trying to put on a brave face, an excited face but I was trembling inside. Scared out of my wits that they would put that monitor on my belly and have a straight face and inform us that they need to get the doctor and there is no heartbeat... this was my fear...
Sometimes I need to understand, or be reminded rather, that God is much bigger than my fears... as soon as we got that monitor on my belly that baby moved... and moved and moved... and she/he waved to us as we watched her/him move in my belly. The tech zoomed in and showed us that little heartbeat, counted the fingers, showed us its cute little feet and how it crossed its ankles to get comfortable... She showed us her/his little bladder and how it was as full as mine and when I was able to use the washroom baby stretched out, finally happy to be having the room it needs to move around.
Words can not describe the feeling that I am having right now as I sit here and relive the moment. It amazing how in that moment, that second I saw our little girl/boy move all of my worries just disappeared and I was overwhelmed with love for our unborn, but beautiful miracle from God.
I have been accused of not being as happy as I should be, I have been terrified this would not be as it was, and although, given our past, I had reason to be scared, I had nothing to worry about. God's got this.
Tuesday, 19 May 2015
The Results and the Dreaded Two Week Wait (2WW)
The dreaded two week wait...
Day 1: The day after transfer. Wake up feeling hopeful, happy and ready. We both rubbed my little belly and said good morning to our little embabies and told them to stay tucked inside and hold on for dear life. Prayer, prayer, smiles and more prayer.
Day 2: Sleep... need sleep... the cramps are exhausting my legs are on fire. Can't exercise but need to move...
Day 4: This has been the longest two weeks of my life so far and it hasn't even been a week since transfer day. Got a call from the clinic that our other two embryos hadn't grown since day two of egg retrieval so they had nothing to freeze. I feel loss... even though they were just balls of cells I feel like we just lost 2 babies... holding on to hope for these two little ones inside of me. Praying they both stick and I get to see them both grow inside of me and be raised by me.
Day 7: Doubt has me getting up in the middle of the night checking for signs that this IVF has failed. All of the physical signs are pointing to me being pregnant but my mind is saying that I could not be and that these are just symptoms of the drugs. One more week to wait until we can know for sure. Praying very very hard.
Day 11: Wondering if I should take an HPT... Every blog I read, every post I read, every article says that the result of an HPT as at today should be accurate. My fear is if its negative... all that money, time, emotion, energy just flushed down the drain... its not even the money honestly.. who cares...we can always try again.. I have just been praying so hard and I feel like this is it so now I'm scared because my hopes are high... I tried to protect myself but everyone keeps telling me how excited they are for me, how they just know this is going to work... my guard is down and my hopes are up... PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!
Day 12: IM PREGNANT!!!!!!! I peed on a stick and it turned positive right away.... I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!
Day 14: One more sleep until Blood Work, 2 more sleeps until my pregnancy is confirmed and we go to our regular doctor. I am going to go to go buy baby stuff today haha. Just enough stuff to do our announcement... we're so freaking excited to start telling the world!! We have decided to announce to our families starting tomorrow or Saturday. I am having a hell of a time keeping this to myself!!
Day 15: Turns out this brewing up a baby thing is exhausting... I ended up going home and relaxing all night. Since I have my blood work to confirm the pregnancy after work I have decided to go get the stuff for the announcement tonight, we will probably even print the pictures tonight too to give to my family tomorrow. Its been hard to not tell people. My mom called me this morning to see how I am feeling and I just felt like responding "IM PREGNANT". I didn't though....
Day 16 - 18: The announcement turned out amazing... my dogs are such good sports!! We told our friends and families and everyone is very excited for us!!
Now time to wait for the first ultrasound and enjoy this pregnancy and start preparing for baby!!
Day 1: The day after transfer. Wake up feeling hopeful, happy and ready. We both rubbed my little belly and said good morning to our little embabies and told them to stay tucked inside and hold on for dear life. Prayer, prayer, smiles and more prayer.
Day 2: Sleep... need sleep... the cramps are exhausting my legs are on fire. Can't exercise but need to move...
Day 4: This has been the longest two weeks of my life so far and it hasn't even been a week since transfer day. Got a call from the clinic that our other two embryos hadn't grown since day two of egg retrieval so they had nothing to freeze. I feel loss... even though they were just balls of cells I feel like we just lost 2 babies... holding on to hope for these two little ones inside of me. Praying they both stick and I get to see them both grow inside of me and be raised by me.
Day 7: Doubt has me getting up in the middle of the night checking for signs that this IVF has failed. All of the physical signs are pointing to me being pregnant but my mind is saying that I could not be and that these are just symptoms of the drugs. One more week to wait until we can know for sure. Praying very very hard.
Day 11: Wondering if I should take an HPT... Every blog I read, every post I read, every article says that the result of an HPT as at today should be accurate. My fear is if its negative... all that money, time, emotion, energy just flushed down the drain... its not even the money honestly.. who cares...we can always try again.. I have just been praying so hard and I feel like this is it so now I'm scared because my hopes are high... I tried to protect myself but everyone keeps telling me how excited they are for me, how they just know this is going to work... my guard is down and my hopes are up... PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!
Day 12: IM PREGNANT!!!!!!! I peed on a stick and it turned positive right away.... I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!
Day 14: One more sleep until Blood Work, 2 more sleeps until my pregnancy is confirmed and we go to our regular doctor. I am going to go to go buy baby stuff today haha. Just enough stuff to do our announcement... we're so freaking excited to start telling the world!! We have decided to announce to our families starting tomorrow or Saturday. I am having a hell of a time keeping this to myself!!
Day 15: Turns out this brewing up a baby thing is exhausting... I ended up going home and relaxing all night. Since I have my blood work to confirm the pregnancy after work I have decided to go get the stuff for the announcement tonight, we will probably even print the pictures tonight too to give to my family tomorrow. Its been hard to not tell people. My mom called me this morning to see how I am feeling and I just felt like responding "IM PREGNANT". I didn't though....
Day 16 - 18: The announcement turned out amazing... my dogs are such good sports!! We told our friends and families and everyone is very excited for us!!
Now time to wait for the first ultrasound and enjoy this pregnancy and start preparing for baby!!
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