There’s an age old question after you have a child… “When are you going to give that baby a sibling?”... The sibling. Someone for that little bundle that you worked so hard to get to play with. A friend for life.
I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer. I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.
A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”
That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.
This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.
The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”
Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.
It’s been one year.
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