It's okay...

It's okay to feel. Its okay to feel anything that your heart needs to feel. It's okay to peek into the black hole of the darkest thoughts of your mind. It's okay to fall down, to lose yourself in tears and heartache even if you can't find the specific reason why you hurt so bad. It's okay to be human, to make mistakes. It's okay to not be everything to everyone at all times. It's okay to be a mess, it's okay to have chaos. It's okay to hurt, to feel anxious, tired.

It's okay to be you.

It's okay to be you even when the you isn't what the world wants to see. It's okay to accept every ounce of your being, the good, the bad, the pink, the black. It's okay to have flaws, it's okay to be broken. It's okay to be overwhelmed. To not be able to hold the world on your shoulders any longer. It's okay to put the problems of everyone else down and focus on your own pain.

It's okay.

It's okay only as long as you don't live there. It's not okay to crawl into that hole and bury yourself. It's not okay to die there.

It's okay to ask for help. It's more than okay to help yourself. There are reasons for you to wake up in the morning even if you can't see them they are there. There are reasons to smile again, they will come to you when you least expect it. It's okay to be happy again. It's okay if you are too tired to fight this battle but don't lose the war. It's okay to accept the people love you even when you can't love yourself. It's okay to accept that you might not be normal. What you don't realize is that no one is normal. There is no such thing as normal.

It's okay to be happy. It's okay to love yourself. It's okay to face your demons head-on and come out smiling the biggest smile you have ever had on your face. It's okay to fight for yourself because no one will fight for you like you will. It's okay to look around and see who is walking beside you. It's okay to reach out to those who have reached out to you. It's okay to cut ties of those who don't hold you up. It's okay to look at a quality of a relationship versus the length that relationship has been. It's okay to move on from your past or your present.

It's okay to be you.

September.

September.

The month of new beginnings, of change.

The month a lot of us look forward too.

September.

Little ones are putting on their new shoes for their first day of their new grade.

Stay at home moms are going back to work now that their babies are grown and off to school.

The leaves are changing, the pumpkin spice is out, the air is crisp.

Fall is here. Everyone's excited.

September.

The month of reflection, memory and heartbreak.

The month we lost the glue in our family.

The month our baby was supposed to be born.

The month we feel such loss, such pain, such heart ache.

The month we force ourselves to smile.

September.

The month my husband and I look at our daughter and think "She should have an older sibling. Our Abby should be starting school this year" and then "We will never get this again. Each stage she goes through is the only time we will get to see that stage in our children" and finally "I wish Nanny was here to watch her grow".

September.

The month my infertility stabs my heart so so much as I see the Back to School photos and baby announcements.

September.

The month we said goodbye to the amazing woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend, Jo-Anne.

September 11.

The day we had a small gathering to pay our respects, to say good-bye for a final time.

The day almost 3,000 people lost their lives.

September.

The month to mourn all those lost in that horrible attack.

September.

The End of a Struggle, The Start of a Life

How great is my God that he gives me peace in such times of trouble. How great is my God that I asked for solidity and compliance in my heart and my thoughts and he made it happen in one day. That he erased all other thoughts, fears and judgments and allowed me to think, feel and follow him properly.

Infertility has been a part of our married lives since the moment we said "I Do".

Realistically it has probably been there for longer than that, we just didn't know it.

For almost 9 years we have lived our lives with this label attached and as often as we tried to bury it, like a vampire or a zombie, it dug itself out of its grave at the most inconvenient times, reminding us that we are failures.

For those who will quickly jump up and say "You are not failures". This we know. However, in times like that, where it seems God is quiet (he's not) and the enemy is loud (SO LOUD!) its hard to remember the truth, but rather believe the lies.

After our appointment earlier this month, after a lot of praying, a lot of crying, a lot of feeling and so much advice we have come to a decision, and feel at peace with it.

We are a family of three.

We are "One and Done".

We are so happy with our lives and finally, FINALLY, after almost 9 years, I'm ripping that label of infertility off my jacket. Actually I'm throwing the whole jacket out and getting a new one. We both are.

We are proud parents to our beautiful little daughter and wouldn't change a thing. We are no longer Infertile. We are parents.

Its so good to be free.

Now to get a puppy.

Answers... Finally...

"Why aren't you getting pregnant?"

"You're text book perfect!"

"Superman" "Thin, Young, Healthy"

Just a few phrases used over the 9 years of unexplained infertility. A few phrases spouted out to us in frustration and exasperation by specialists who are supposed to find the answer to the ever ending question.... Why?

Why? Why do we struggle so hard when it seems so easy for everyone else. Why do we never get a positive pregnancy test, what is wrong with me? With him? Why?

For 9 years we've been married. For 9 years we tried for babies. For 9 years we wondered. Why?

Unexplained Infertility. A label that stuck to us like a Scarlett A. Today however, all though that letter remains, it is much smaller, not so visible but much more painful that not knowing.

"It would almost be easier to just know why" is what we told ourselves for years but now that I know, I don't want to know.

There is nothing that can be done to change it. No diet to reverse it, no bad habit to quit, no increase in exercise will reverse time, will make my body work the way it is supposed too.

So I sit here in tears cursing my useless eggs and praying for a miracle.

Answers.... Finally... But relief was not granted.

All the feels...

After several years of infertility, well really anything hard to deal with in life that is consistent... a person learns to either live with it or let it control their life.

For me, personally, I have learnt to live with it. After a period of time I became numb to the emotions. Baby announcements no longer cripple me, I don't cry at the drop of a hat (or at a negative test) and baby showers are easier to attend. I can even enjoy myself and not fake it til I make it any longer.

The feeling is just always there though, the thought, the knowledge, that it doesn't happen for me, for us. Its a sad reality but its our reality and we live it.

We knew it when we started trying again and nothing happened. Before the tests, the doctors, the appointments, the poking and the prodding, we knew. Its just something that you feel I think. The hope was lost almost immediately and we just knew it wouldn't happen for us the natural way.

Everyone and their cousin knows someone who knows someone that "did IVF and just got pregnant naturally without even trying for their second". Its like everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows something that adopted and BAM pregnant. We, however, are not those people, unfortunately.

I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not even disappointed... I'm Angry! SO SO ANGRY! How come we cant just "get pregnant" when so far the tests keep coming back normal? I'm angry that I now have to go sit... and wait... for blood work. I have to wait for an appointment for a special x-ray that may or may not be this month and may or may not result in surgery. I'm angry that I have to get another ultrasound to see if I even have eggs left, if I can even get pregnant again. I am angry that people can have babies and before their babies can even crawl they have more babies. I am angry that people I know and love dearly are going through the same freaking thing I am and its just not fair.

ITS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!

I hate infertility. Its such a strong word, hate. People really use it way to often and out of context but this... this I hate. I am so incredibly passionate about it. I try to help as many people through this journey as possible and the passion drives me.

Some days I feel so incredibly alone... I run a page on facebook about infertility. I run it with 5 other AMAZING women. Some of whom have been blessed with children and others who are fighting hard for their miracle. I am the one in both categories. I was blessed, through the gift of science and the faith of god, with our beautiful daughter but desperately longing to make her a big sister. Feeling incredibly guilty for wanting more, or even thinking of posting on my page about secondary infertility as I have been attacked in the past for this. The same women that helped me through our molar pregnancy, through the loss of our second embryo after it had attacked then couldn't hold on after seven weeks, the same women that were so happy for me that IVF worked for us after 6.5 years of failed treatments and cycles. Those women attacking me for even thinking of having another and having to go down the same road as we did for Amelia.

Amelia. Our angel, who deserves to have a sibling. Our beautiful miracle who would be such an amazing big sister. Who has no idea what she's missing out on when it comes to siblings. Holding her last night though, as she asked for a baby, and no doll would suffice, hurt me deeply, knowing there was no baby in my tummy. There are no brothers or sisters in her near future. No babies in ours and I'm angry.

2017 as I Know It

Its the last day of 2017 and I can't help but reflect on the last year, as so many of us do on this day. Its been a bit of a whirlwind but a year that has made us stronger and happier. Lessons were learned, memories were made and I wouldn't change a thing.

How things can change in one years time.

A year ago, we still had a baby, now that baby turns 2 in January.

A year ago, we had 2 less nieces and now, both of Graham's siblings have beautiful daughters.

A year ago all of our nieces and nephews were minors and now one has turned 18 and moved out. Everyone aged a year and I thank God every day that we are all still here.

A year ago I had never met 2 people I talk to constantly. Two of the few amazing women who have helped me through our infertility journey, who continue to help. Now one of those women is planning a trip to Canada to see me because one year of not seeing each other has just been too long.

A year ago we entered the New Year with hopes and dreams of bringing another baby into the family this year. Now we see the fertility specialist in a few weeks because those dreams didn't pan out as planned.

A year ago we had acquaintances with some, and strong friendships with other. Now those acquaintances are our best friends and those strong friendships even stronger. A year ago we had people who had left our lives and now they are back due to circumstances in life that has brought us back together.

A year ago I didn't know what to expect for 2017 and now its over. In an instant, and a lifetime, this year draws to a close. There are a few moments that are more clear in my memory than others. Some I wish I could forget, some I hope never dissipate.

I am entering 2018 with a happy heart and a clear mind. I have no regrets of the past and plenty of hope for the future. I carry no pain, but remember the lessons that were learnt. I learned that friends can quickly become family and family doesn't always mean friends. I learned its ok to stand up for what I believe in, even if that means it may cause drama and arguments. I have learned to pick my battles and that sometimes its just easier to let it go, whether is be a situation or a person.

My thoughts and prayers for 2018 are that all of my friends and family have an amazing year. An unforgettable, extremely blessed, fully of laughs year. I pray this for those who are reading this, and those who won't.

Volume 2.. Here we go again

There’s an age old question after you have a child… “When are you going to give that baby a sibling?”... The sibling. Someone for that little bundle that you worked so hard to get to play with. A friend for life.

I get asked all the time “is she your only one?” To which I smile and calmly reply “yes”. It’s usually followed up with “no plans for siblings?” And I don’t even know how to answer.  I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I am so so blessed. However, we have just hit the one year mark. The dreaded one year mark. We have hit the anniversary of that excited night where we talked for a long time in great depth about having another child. We hoped we would not have to fight as hard as we did for the first time. We hoped we would be able to conceive the fun way. That there would be no doctors no nurses involved. Just a bottle of wine and the two of us having fun.

A couple of months ago I went to my doctor for my yearly check up and he asked about contraceptives. I told him that we were trying for a second and he asked for how long. Nine months and I was sent for more testing. “You should’ve been pregnant by now” he told me as he wrote up the requisition forms. “It shouldn’t take this long.”

That was three months ago. It’s been a year. A whole year. People have gotten pregnant, had their babies and are already getting asked when they’re having another. More pregnancies and births than I can count. All in one years time.

This time I seem to be stronger. Most pregnancy announcements are a happy occasion. I don’t grin and bear them like I used to yet I feel so much joy for those who have been trying for a baby and got their wish. I do not wish infertility on anyone. Not my worst enemy. No one. I make baby blankets and booties and onesies for those babies. I craft shower gifts I think about the moms I truly do feel happiness for those who are blessed the way I was not. The way I am not.

The other day I was asked by a Mom whose child kept taking Amelia’s toy away from her if she was my only child. I calmly told her yes and she snapped “That’s why she doesn’t share.” I responded by “She shares but I teach her she isn’t allowed to take toys away from other kids. She may also always be an only child as she was an IVF baby and it was around $15,000 to have her and we have no frozen embryos so we would have to start from scratch if we wanted to do it again.” She said “Yep kids are expensive I have three.”

Yes lady they are but you have no idea how I feel. What I’ve been through. How much I’d give to be able to have kids without the doctors, the needles, the nurses, the tests, the drugs, the treatments and the emotions. When you tried for your second did you have a layer of guilt always bubbling to the top because you feel like you’re asking God for too much after how hard you worked, the miracles he performed, for your first? Do you hide your emotions from those close to you because they don’t have a baby and you do even after 6.5 years of trying and many failed treatments, losses and embryos that “didn’t survive?” Do you have more babies in heaven than in your arms? I do. Every single point. I do.

It’s been one year.