Due Date.. or What Should Have Been

I sit here today, on the day our baby was due to join us, and think about the day I found out we were expecting. We'd been trying for a child for 3.5 years and I thought this day would never come. I had been 6 days late. I was tired, grumpy and hungry for a few days and went to try to relax in a bath. I reluctantly grabbed the test that I'd reluctantly bought cause I thought it would be a waste of money. This was on a Thursday. Thursday, January 3, 2013. I wanted to crawl into my big bed and go to sleep but forced myself into the washroom to start running a bath. I put off taking the test for as long as I could. I took the test the sat in the tub. I grabbed the test as soon as I sat and there was the one word I thought I'd never see... "Pregnant". I couldn't believe it, I ran down stairs after the worst attempt at drying off, not even bothering to get dressed, prayed no one was looking through our windows and pushed the test into Graham's face telling him to look over and over again. He held me and we cried and cried.. That was the second best day of my life.

Three weeks later I started spotting and was sent for an ultrasound. I was 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. That was Tuesday, January 29, 2013. They couldn't find a heartbeat. Our baby was gone.. Our dreams were smashed. 

My levels kept rising and my tummy kept growing so they thought I had a molar pregnancy. It could be a tumor. I could need chemo. But first I needed an emergency d&c. We were sent straight to the hospital on the day my grandfather passed away. Friday, February 8, 2013.  It all happened so fast that it seemed like one minute we were buying little shoes telling the family we were due in September and the next we were worse off then before pregnancy. We would never be the same.. 

It turned out to not be a molar and remains a mystery as to why my levels got so high. It was an abnormal pregnancy. Kind of like a miscarriage but not. I did not need chemo. 

Today is the day we were due to expect a little baby girl. It was too early to tell the sex but God told us with recurring dreams for both of us and a dream that my mom had confirms it was a girl. Our girl. Our Abigail. She was beautiful. She is beautiful.

This is our last step, after today we will let her go. She is with her family we've lost in heaven being taken care of by her Auntie and was able to greet her great grandpa at the gates days after she arrived. 

I thank God she never had to fall and scrape her knee or get bullied in school. She never had to feel the hurt in a heartbreak, the sting of death, or the sharp knife of a sickness or illness. I thank God she never had to struggle and she got to go to heaven to see everyone we've lost. I just wish I could have held her, seen her face, heard her cry. But she's safe and happy.

Today is the day you were due to join us. Today is the day we let you go. Rest baby girl in the arms of your family and your creator. We will never forget you and will love you unconditionally for eternity. We will meet you in paradise and will hold you when the time is right. We miss you every day but we know that you're safe, happy and loved.

September 15, 2013.